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Archive for the ‘Travel’ Category

Boat Captain Forced to Change Vessel’s Name After Multiple Disappearances

In Humor, Military, News, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits, Travel on November 26, 2010 at 13:03

NORFOLK, VA — The United States Coast Guard advised Captain Charles Wilson to change the name of his fishing boat after several rescue missions put Coast Guard personnel in unnecessary danger this week.  According to the Coast Guard, Wilson’s vessel, the Abracadabra, disappeared from radar a total of 32 times since its maiden voyage ten days ago. 

“Every time the vessel would make a radio transmission it would seemingly vanish from our radar, only to reappear minutes later,” said Coast Guard Commander Richard Lexington.  “It wasn’t until our after our fifth rescue mission that we were able to analyze the mission data and conclude that it was the ship’s name that was causing the disappearances.”

Commander Lexington told Ninja Satire that the Coast Guard, with full cooperation from Captain Wilson and his crew, ran a series of tests that eventually led to an official recommendation that Captain Wilson change the name of the vessel.  “The tests were extremely helpful,” said Captain Wilson, “it seems I underestimated the power of such a magical word.  I’ve decided to shorten the name to Abra for the time being, until I can make an official name change.”  

Coast Guard rescue crews were dispatched on five separate occasions when the Abracadabra failed to reappear on radar after several minutes.  Lieutenant James Hancock explained to Ninja Satire that his crew would fly over the vessel’s last known coordinates many times and then, suddenly, it would seem to “appear out of nowhere” right in front of their eyes.  “It was pretty spooky sh*t,” said Lieutenant Hancock, adding, “I’m glad we got to the bottom of that one.”

As to why Captain Wilson named his boat Abracadabra in the first place?  According to members of his crew, Captain Wilson is an amateur magician and named the vessel in honor of his favorite hobby.  “Actually, he’s a pretty horrible magician,” said one crew member, “it figures he’d accidentally make his ship disappear.”

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REPORT: Fmr. President Jimmy Carter Snatches Palestinian Baby While in Middle East

In Culture, Democrats, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Satire, Tidbits, Travel on November 22, 2010 at 09:02

EAST JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and…Jimmy Carter?  Rumors have been swirling in recent weeks that during his October 21st visit to the neighborhood of Silwan in East Jerusalem, Former President Jimmy Carter took a Palestinian baby out of a crowd and brought it back to the United States, presumably with the intention of adopting the child.  Fmr. Pres. Carter, 86, is well-known for his humanitarian work around the world, though it seems his yearning to do good may have landed him in hot water this time.

A photo obtained by Ninja Satire clearly shows the former President with the baby in his arms, ducking through a crowd of powerless onlookers, while surrounded by members of the United States Secret Service.  All requests for comment have been denied by representatives of the former President, although a close friend of the Georgia native told Ninja Satire that, “President Carter and his wife, Rosalynn, have been considering adoption for some time now.  From what I gather, Jimmy saw a baby in the busy streets of Silwan, no parents or guardian in sight, and made a rash decision.”

Good intentions aside, Fmr. Pres. Carter may have inadvertently caused an international incident.  Although he was visiting the Israeli town of Silwan, the baby he reportedly snatched was Palestinian.  Groups such as Hamas and the Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO) have blasted the former President’s actions as “another example of the oppression and overt racism our people suffer on a daily basis at the hands of the Zionist governments around the world.”

If the reports are true, it is most likely that Fmr. Pres. Carter would be forced to relinquish the child to immigration officials for deportation back to the Middle East where, one can imagine, it would return to a life spent wandering the streets of East Jerusalem with a complete lack of parental supervision.

PHOTO: Press Secretary Robert Gibbs Inadvertently Admonishes Indian Official for Not Fixing His Laptop

In Barack Obama, Democrats, Humor, In The News, News, Occupational Irony Department, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Travel on November 18, 2010 at 20:20

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the last couple of weeks the White House has been scrambling to explain away the photos taken of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs berating an Indian official during the President’s visit to the country on November 8th.  After much speculation, Gibbs took to the podium and told the White House Press Corps that he mistook the man to be a member of the technical support team travelling with the President and was upset that a “significant software problem” had yet to be solved.

Of course, the man was not a part of the White House technical support team.  He was a member of the Indian Prime Minister’s security team assigned to ensure the safety of both the Prime Minister and President Obama during their closed-door meeting.  Gibbs reportedly told the man, “look, I’ve been dealing with you people all God damn day…I want the system fixed, and I want it fixed NOW.” 

During his statement to the press, Gibbs apologized for the outburst although his apology was not without excuses.  “As the President’s Press Secretary I’m responsible for handling all matters concerning the media.  Now, I know, that I don’t have to tell all of you how difficult it is to communicate  with the media from overseas when your laptop won’t turn on (laughter).  That being said, I am truly sorry for my outburst and for mistaking that gentleman to be an IT specialist.  I am undoubtedly appreciative for his efforts in maintaining a safe environment during our visit.”

Ninja Satire was given an 800 number at which to reach the Indian official in question only to be disconnected over a dozen times after the voice recognition system kept confusing “Office of the Prime Minister” with “Orifice of the Prime Minister.”