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Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

NFL Replaces Tackling with “Two Hand Touch”

In Football, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports on October 19, 2010 at 19:47

After the explosive outburst of helmet to helmet collisions this weekend the NFL announced that tackling players will no longer be allowed and is instituting what is known in backyards across America as the “two hand touch” rule.  According to the new rule, “a player carrying the ball will be considered down once he is touched by both hands of an opposing player.”

The decision has ignited controversy over the airwaves as commentators and ex-players weigh in on the new rule.  ESPN commentator and former San Francisco ’49ers great Steve Young said that the new rule will “ruin football” and that fans should prepare themselves for “some of the most boring television they’ve ever seen,” adding, “I’d rather watch three hours of Murder She Wrote.” 

While most in the football world agree with Young’s assessment there is a loud minority applauding the NFL’s action to ensure safety on the field.  Christopher Nowinski, a former Harvard football player and wrestling superstar, expressed extreme adulation after hearing the announcement.  “This is a great day for all the former players who have been permanently damaged by the vicious hits their brains absorbed on the field.  The NFL has put the safety of its players over ratings and revenue…they ought to be applauded for their extraordinary courage on this issue.”

Despite Nowinski’s excitement the current players seem to be in lockstep behind Steve Young on the issue.  Baltimore Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis said, “They should call it the KFL…Kindergarten Football League…damn man…why don’t they just replace half-time with nap-time…why not take away our mouthguards and have us suckin’ on pacifiers durin’ the game…this is some bullsh*t.”   

For now, the NFL is standing firm behind its decision but told the players that if they play nice and behave themselves that they would get their tackling back at the end of the season.

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NY Giants Fan Ranks “The Book of Eli” as The Worst Movie Ever Made

In Entertainment, Football, Humor, Movies, News, Satire, Sports, Tidbits on October 18, 2010 at 14:49

Philip Hoffman, an avid Giants fan and local film critic ranked the Denzel Washington film The Book of Eli as “the most disappointing and poorly made bio pic in film history” in last week’s issue of The Massapequa Post. 

According to Hoffman, the film fails to provide “even a shred of truth” and is a perfect example of Hollywood choosing profit over reality.  “For starters,” said Hoffman, “Eli Manning isn’t black.”  He later added, “is the fact that he’s carrying a bible supposed to symbolize football as his religion?  I don’t get it.”

Ninja Satire has learned that The Massapequa Post has replaced Hoffman with another film critic and are currently shopping around for a new entertainment editor.

After Seeing Online Photos, Randy Moss tells Brett Favre to, “Trim that Sh*t.”

In Football, Humor, News, Satire, Sports on October 11, 2010 at 12:27

Reports out of New England had Randy Moss and Tom Brady almost going to blows over one another’s hairstyles, with Randy telling Tom to cut his hair because he “looked like a girl.”  Well, apparently Mr. Moss isn’t finished criticizing his teammates hair. 

After seeing the internet photos of his new quarterback’s private parts, Moss approached Favre in the locker room and said, “Come’on man, you gotta trim that sh*t…damn…unless yo d*ck is hostin’ The Joy of Paintin’ on PBS there’s no reason you should have that kinda ‘fro goin’ on down there.”

Favre was unreachable for comment, however Ninja Satire has learned that some of the Vikings players noticed some hair clippings around one of the locker room toilets after practice the following day.