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Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

Native American Tribe Offended by Redskins’ Crappy Performance on Monday Night Football

In Culture, Entertainment, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 16, 2010 at 14:42

MILLSBORO, DE — The Nanticoke Indian Tribe issued a statement Tuesday morning condemning the “Anishinabe-like” performance put forth by the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football this week.  The tribe says that the team’s 59-28 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles is an “embarrassment to all native people” and that a local tribe has not suffered a defeat of this magnitude since Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676.

“We are calling for the resignation of Coach Shanahan,” said one tribal elder.  “He is not fit to lead his tribe on the field of battle…he is an embarrassment to his people.”  According to the Nanticoke, Shanahan is a peace-time leader in an era when all out war is the only option.  “This team needs a war-time Chief…” said one Nanticoke youth, “…like Parcells or Cowher.  Coach Shanahan’s non-violent approach to the game will lead to total annihilation…I am certain of it.”

Anthony Pintero, the head of public relations for the Washington Redskins, told Ninja Satire, “usually when a tribe issues a statement regarding the team it’s in reference to the term, redskins…we’re pretty used to that, but now, they’re asserting that the team’s performance is in some way offensive?  Are they even aware that this is a professional football team?  I mean…we’re not a Native tribe…we play football…in a stadium…you know?”

When asked to respond to Pintero’s comments one tribal member said, “are we are tired of professional sports teams using offensive and derogatory terminology to refer to our people?  Yes, of course we are…but what’s worse is that these teams haven’t won sh*t since the Braves in ’95…maybe if they brought home a trophy once in a while we could learn to live with offensive names and mascots.”  One of our reporters pointed out to him that the Chicago Blackhawks are, in fact, the defending Stanley Cup Champions, to which he replied, “the Stanley Cup?  What is that, a bowling trophy?  Oh…wait, that’s right…they give that out in Sailing…or something…right?  Whatever.”

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ELECTION DAY COVERAGE: NBC Projects Tom Brady Wins Massachusetts Governor’s Race

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Election News, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Sports on November 2, 2010 at 20:38

Early results out of the State of Massachusetts have New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady leading the Governor’s race with 68% of the vote and 10% of precincts reporting.  NBC officially announced that it projects Brady will be the winner after all the votes are counted.

“This is a surprise for the ages,” said MSNBC anchor Chris Mathews, adding, “not one of Mr. Brady’s Super Bowl wins could possibly compare to tonight’s victory.”  Fed up with the status quo, it seems that Massachusetts voters decided to write-in a candidate for Governor as opposed to voting for one of the candidates already on the ballot.  It just so happens that a vast majority of them wrote in Brady’s name.

Exit polls out of Massachusetts suggest that Brady’s popularity goes beyond the football field.  One voter exiting the polls stated, “I voted for Tom Brady.  He’s the only one in this state who has accomplished anything in the past ten years.  It’s time we had a higher caliber of leadership in the State House.”  Another voter remarked, “I voted for Brady…you know…the quarterback.  I figure if he’s Governor he’ll have to cut off that girlish hairdo he’s got goin’ on there,”  while female voters seemed to agree that, “he’s not bad to look at…definitely a hunk and a total DILF…like a guy version of Sarah Palin.” 

Ninja Satire was unable to reach Tom Brady for comment on his unexpected Election Day victory.  However, residents of Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire are reportedly outraged by tonight’s turn of events, with one disgruntled Pats fan asking, “why, God…why?”

Navy Fullback Awarded Purple Heart after Leaving Game with Knee Injury

In Football, Humor, Military, News, Satire, Sports on October 24, 2010 at 23:44

The Department of Defense announced Saturday that Vince Murray, a senior fullback for the United States Naval Academy, has been awarded the Purple Heart for injuries he sustained on the field of battle last week.  The Midshipmen were in the middle of a heated contest against Wake Forest when Murray got hit.  “We were just starting to penetrate their defenses when the enemy cut him down from behind,” said quarterback Ricky Dobbs.  “I just thank the good Lord he survived the attack.”

Murray learned of the honor late Sunday while recuperating in a Navy hospital.  “I’m no hero,” Murray said, “it could have been any one of us that went down that day.  I was just doing my job, simple as that, and I’m extremely anxious to heal up and get back out there.”  Murray is the first Midshipmen to earn a Purple Heart since the Army v. Navy game in 2003.

The announcement came the day after Murray watched his team roll over the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame in what was their biggest victory to date.  “We dedicated that game to Vince,” Dobbs said.  “His courage in battle inspires all of us to give as much of ourselves as we possibly can week in and week out.  Right now, we’re invincible.” 

In its history, the Navy has awarded 25 Purple Hearts to Midshipmen who have sacrificed their bodies for the greater good of the team.  Only one player, Rodney Wallace, has ever earned the Congressional Medal of Honor while serving on the gridiron.  In November of 1962, running back Billy Wilkes fell to the ground with a broken leg, and with the ball still in his arms, Wallace carried Wilkes 70 yards downfield scoring the winning touchdown as time expired.

President Kennedy presented Wallace the Medal of Honor during a White House ceremony honoring various military personnel for their services in battle.  Kennedy said of Wallace, “there is no greater military training ground than a university football field…we can expect great things from this young man in the future.”  Ironically, Wallace was killed in Vietnam five years later when he instinctively jumped on top of a loose hand grenade.