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With Team Facing Elimination, Rangers Owner Nolan Ryan Names Himself Game Five Starter

In Baseball, Culture, Entertainment, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 1, 2010 at 11:58

Rangers owner Nolan Ryan announced early this morning that he will be the starting pitcher for the tonight’s game against the San Francisco Giants.  Rangers pitching has allowed 26 runs over the first four games of the World Series and find themselves one game from elimination with the Giants leading the series 3-1.  “Obviously they can’t get the job done,” said Ryan, “as usual, it looks like I have to do everything myself.”

The 63 year old hall of fame pitcher will be the oldest person to ever pitch a game in Major League Baseball.  Previous to Ryan, Satchel Paige was the oldest player in baseball history, pitching his last game at age 59 in 1965.  While Ryan seems confident in his abilities, many Ranger fans are nervous considering the ceremonial first pitch Ryan tossed before the start of game three.  “He couldn’t even reach the plate…it looked pretty awful,” said Rangers season ticket holder Stan Montgomery, “I hope he remembered to take his Boniva.”

Giants manager Bruce Bochy wondered about the legality of such a move.  “Each team has playoff rosters that are set.  You can’t just throw yourself into the starting rotation…there has to be extenuating circumstances.”  However, before Bochy could file a formal complaint, Giants pitching coach Dave Righetti reminded Bochy that going up against a 63 year old might not be the worst thing in the world.  “If you think about it…does it really give us an unfair advantage?  Seems like Ron (Ron Washington, Rangers manager) should be the one petitioning the commissioner.”

When asked for comment, a representative from the commissioner’s office told Ninja Satire that, “as far as the commissioner’s concerned, he’s the owner of the team and he can do what he wants.  If he wants to pitch, he can pitch.  If he wants to let a chinchilla coach third base…there’s not much we can do.  The commissioner’s hands are tied on this issue.”  Most experts agree that Ryan’s start will be a huge ratings boost for the World Series, which will be competing for viewers against Monday Night Football.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that the only reason Bud Selig is allowing this ridiculous move to take place are the two R’s…ratings and revenue,” said ESPN baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian, “they might get Joe America to watch this game but they can count me out…I’m going to throw on my Snuggie, brew up some hot cocoa, and pop in a tape of the 1996 World Series…Yankees vs. Braves…Jim Leytriz…aaah…its soooooo good…mmmm…”

It looks like there is little standing in Ryan’s way and for now, he is listed as the probable starter for tonight’s game.  As far as third base coach Dave Anderson’s job is concerned, a chinchilla was spotted roaming around the Rangers clubhouse early this morning…although there is no word yet on whether or not the furry creature will be suiting up for tonight’s game.

Homophobic Conservatives Solidly Behind Rangers as World Series Begins

In Baseball, Culture, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Sports, Television on October 27, 2010 at 22:10

 

As if the political climate in America wasn’t bad enough, it seems that the left and the right have a new issue to quarrel over; which team is going to win the World Series?  As one might expect liberals’ hearts are bleeding for the San Francisco Giants while conservatives are praying with all their might for the Texas Rangers to bring home their first world championship.  However, as far as conservatives are concerned, their disdain for the Giants seems to have less to do with ideology and more to do with homophobia.

Apparently, the right wing’s greatest fear is the possibility of what a victory parade in San Francisco might look like. “If they win, it’s going to be a gay extravaganza,” said Steve Midland, a local radio talk show host in St. Louis, Missouri. “It’s not something I like to think about…but I know I have to prepare myself and my listeners for that possibility.  It makes me want to cry.”

“The Rangers are an American team,” said Walt Wilson, a councilman from Odessa, Texas. “San Francisco is full of he-shes and she-hes and God only knows what else…walkin’ around the streets with no clothes on and the like…its disgusting.  Baseball’s championship belongs here in Texas…it is America’s pastime after all.  Why don’t they just stick to things they are good at like…disco dancing, or musical theater?”

One of our reporters was able to stop by Cuddle’s Cocktails, a well-known gay bar in San Francisco’s financial district, to get some reaction to the various statements made by right-wingers. “Oh please honey, they’re all talk…let them come up in here and say those things, they don’t want a piece of what I got, you can believe me,” said Nitro, a regular at Cuddle’s.  Others at the bar started shouting, “it’s Giants all the way and it don’t matter that we’re gay!” 

Another bar patron had some harsher words, saying, “baby, in our world a ranger is something else all together so if I was them I’d zip my lips.  They’ve got their chaps in a twist because their anti-gay preacher is probably the biggest queen in the entire town…little bitches.” 

While most would imagine people from Texas and San Francisco would be at odds over the fall classic, a nationwide poll conducted by the Gallup organization showed a more realistic picture of exactly how the left and right differ on this issue.  According to the poll, 99.5% of conservatives are rooting for the Rangers, while the liberal vote was split between people rooting for the Giants, and people who, as the poll put it, “couldn’t care less about who wins the stupid thing.”

Manager Fired after Kicking Dirt at Blind Kid

In Baseball, Humor, News, Satire, Sports, Tidbits on October 7, 2010 at 18:22

Master Kushikimi-San 

The Columbus Clippers should have considered the possibility of a pennant race when granting 12 year old Franklin Meyers his wish of being an umpire.  

The story begins eight months ago at the Ohio State School for the Blind in Columbus, Ohio, when little Franklin was called into the Principal’s office.  “Mr. Reynolds would like to see Franklin, he’s got some very exciting news to share with him,” said school secretary Madeline Rogers, “Something about a baseball game…”

“The minute she said the word baseball I knew it had to be the Dare to Dream Foundation on the phone, I just knew it!” Franklin exclaimed.  “I couldn’t wait to get to Mr. Reynolds’ office to hear the news!”  Mrs. Rogers told us that she had some trouble containing the boy, as it was necessary for her to carefully guide him down the halls and into the office.  “He was so excited, he almost bumped right into a water fountain!”

The Foundation notified Franklin that the Columbus Clippers, a minor league affiliate of the Cleveland Indians, had agreed to let Franklin make one call from the field during their September 3rd meeting with cross-state rivals the Toledo Mud Hens.  Franklin was elated; he would finally get the chance to live out his dream of being a professional umpire, something his disability would never allow him to do. 

The problem arose when the Columbus Clippers found themselves in a heated race with the Louisville Bats for the International League West Division title.  Having already promised Dare to Dream, not to mention young Franklin, that they would grant his wish, there was little they could do in terms of trying to wiggle out of the deal.  Therefore, the team decided to let Franklin umpire for just one pitch; the very first pitch. 

At the start of the game the Clippers made their way onto the field, and so did Franklin, a smile from ear to ear, accompanied by his father.  What happened next, nobody expected.  Mud Hens second baseman Scott Snyder took the first pitch and rocketed it down the first base line.  The ball seemed to hook and land quite obviously to the right of the foul line, that is until Franklin exclaimed, “fair ball!'”

As the Clippers players looked on in disbelief, Snyder continued to round the bases, second, then third, until finally making it home for an inside the park home run.  Ron Warner, the Clippers’ manager bolted out of the dugout and over to Franklin.  “Are you kidding me?!  The ball was foul!”  Franklin, never known for being shy, shot back, “It was fair!  It was fair!”  Warner looked around towards the other umpires, none of whom had a good angle at the play, and none of whom seemed to want to tell a kid from the Dare to Dream foundation that he made the wrong call.

That was when things turned ugly.  Warner began cursing wildly.  “You little son of a bitch don’t you know we’re in a pennant race here?  How in the name of Jesus do you expect me to believe that you have any idea whether that ball was foul or fair?!”  Franklin leaned towards Warner and said, quite provocatively, “I saw, what I saw…” and threw Warner out of the game.

That’s when Warner decided it would be a good idea to kick dirt onto a blind kid.  “You little bastard!” he shouted as he continued to spray dirt all over Franklin’s shoes.

The Clippers ended up losing the game 5-3, and ultimately missing out on the division crown by just a half of a game.

As for Franklin’s shoes, his father later explained that he had purchased those shoes just one week prior to the game, as Franklin told him that he wanted to look like a professional umpire. 

When asked after the game if he had any regrets on what had transpired, or if he might at least consider buying the kid a new pair of shoes, Ron Warner stated, “big deal, he can’t see them anyway.”

The story, thankfully, has a happy ending. 

Ron Warner was fired the very next day.  Team owner John Standish told us that, “from a PR standpoint, there was no way we could continue with Ron as our manager.” 

The Clippers earned a wild card spot in the playoffs and ended up winning the whole damn thing. 

And as for young Franklin?  Well, he told us that the experience was better than he had ever hoped it would be, saying, “I got to live out my first dream of being an umpire, and my second dream of throwing a manager out of the game.”