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Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Native American Tribe Offended by Redskins’ Crappy Performance on Monday Night Football

In Culture, Entertainment, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 16, 2010 at 14:42

MILLSBORO, DE — The Nanticoke Indian Tribe issued a statement Tuesday morning condemning the “Anishinabe-like” performance put forth by the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football this week.  The tribe says that the team’s 59-28 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles is an “embarrassment to all native people” and that a local tribe has not suffered a defeat of this magnitude since Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676.

“We are calling for the resignation of Coach Shanahan,” said one tribal elder.  “He is not fit to lead his tribe on the field of battle…he is an embarrassment to his people.”  According to the Nanticoke, Shanahan is a peace-time leader in an era when all out war is the only option.  “This team needs a war-time Chief…” said one Nanticoke youth, “…like Parcells or Cowher.  Coach Shanahan’s non-violent approach to the game will lead to total annihilation…I am certain of it.”

Anthony Pintero, the head of public relations for the Washington Redskins, told Ninja Satire, “usually when a tribe issues a statement regarding the team it’s in reference to the term, redskins…we’re pretty used to that, but now, they’re asserting that the team’s performance is in some way offensive?  Are they even aware that this is a professional football team?  I mean…we’re not a Native tribe…we play football…in a stadium…you know?”

When asked to respond to Pintero’s comments one tribal member said, “are we are tired of professional sports teams using offensive and derogatory terminology to refer to our people?  Yes, of course we are…but what’s worse is that these teams haven’t won sh*t since the Braves in ’95…maybe if they brought home a trophy once in a while we could learn to live with offensive names and mascots.”  One of our reporters pointed out to him that the Chicago Blackhawks are, in fact, the defending Stanley Cup Champions, to which he replied, “the Stanley Cup?  What is that, a bowling trophy?  Oh…wait, that’s right…they give that out in Sailing…or something…right?  Whatever.”

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Westminster Kennel Club Follows NBA, Cracks Down on Trash Talking

In Animals, Basketball, Culture, Dog Shows, Entertainment, Family, Humor, News, Pets, Satire, Sports, Television, Tidbits on November 7, 2010 at 11:08

NEW YORK, NY — Henry James Fillmore, Vice President of the Westminster Kennel Club, confirmed Sunday that the 134 year old organization has established new rules for this year’s dog show in hopes of suppressing what he described as, “the rampant and disgusting behavior by dog handlers” that has cast a shadow over the competition in recent years.

The announcement comes just days after Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics found himself in hot water for allegedly telling Charlie Villanueva that he looked like a cancer patient.  Villanueva suffers from Alopecia Universalis, an autoimmune disease that results in drastic hair loss.  Garnett has denied Villanueva’s allegations.

“Trash talking, on a certain level, is to be expected in the NBA…it’s part of the culture,” said Fillmore, “but at the world’s most prestigious dog show?  It’s upsetting to hear the kinds of things handlers say to each other when they are taking their laps around the ring.”  At last year’s show, handler Ronald Floyd reportedly told another handler that his dog “looked like alley trash,” and that the dog “should have been euthanized years ago.”

Fillmore is confident that the new rule changes will help reduce the amount of trash talking at this year’s event.  According to the WKC, if a handler is heard taunting an opponent he or she will be expelled from the competition immediately and replaced with a WKC approved handler.  The dogs themselves will not be penalized for the mistakes of their handlers.

“These dogs are the real stars of the show,” said Fillmore.  “I think sometimes the handlers’ egos and/or jealously get the better of them.”  Fillmore was also quick to point out that the dog’s themselves have been penalized for inappropriately barking at other dogs for many years.  “If the dogs can keep their comments to themselves, so can the handlers,” Fillmore said.

For his part, Kevin Garnett told Ninja Satire that he agrees with the decision of the WKC and that he is considering entering his dog Skinny (a Mexican Hairless) into the competition.  “I’ve wanted to put him in dog shows for years,” said Garnett, “but I was always afraid he’d get made fun of.  He’s got very low self esteem…some people can be so cruel.  But, with the new rules in place, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

ELECTION DAY COVERAGE: NBC Projects Tom Brady Wins Massachusetts Governor’s Race

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Election News, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Sports on November 2, 2010 at 20:38

Early results out of the State of Massachusetts have New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady leading the Governor’s race with 68% of the vote and 10% of precincts reporting.  NBC officially announced that it projects Brady will be the winner after all the votes are counted.

“This is a surprise for the ages,” said MSNBC anchor Chris Mathews, adding, “not one of Mr. Brady’s Super Bowl wins could possibly compare to tonight’s victory.”  Fed up with the status quo, it seems that Massachusetts voters decided to write-in a candidate for Governor as opposed to voting for one of the candidates already on the ballot.  It just so happens that a vast majority of them wrote in Brady’s name.

Exit polls out of Massachusetts suggest that Brady’s popularity goes beyond the football field.  One voter exiting the polls stated, “I voted for Tom Brady.  He’s the only one in this state who has accomplished anything in the past ten years.  It’s time we had a higher caliber of leadership in the State House.”  Another voter remarked, “I voted for Brady…you know…the quarterback.  I figure if he’s Governor he’ll have to cut off that girlish hairdo he’s got goin’ on there,”  while female voters seemed to agree that, “he’s not bad to look at…definitely a hunk and a total DILF…like a guy version of Sarah Palin.” 

Ninja Satire was unable to reach Tom Brady for comment on his unexpected Election Day victory.  However, residents of Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire are reportedly outraged by tonight’s turn of events, with one disgruntled Pats fan asking, “why, God…why?”