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PHOTO: Press Secretary Robert Gibbs Inadvertently Admonishes Indian Official for Not Fixing His Laptop

In Barack Obama, Democrats, Humor, In The News, News, Occupational Irony Department, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Travel on November 18, 2010 at 20:20

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the last couple of weeks the White House has been scrambling to explain away the photos taken of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs berating an Indian official during the President’s visit to the country on November 8th.  After much speculation, Gibbs took to the podium and told the White House Press Corps that he mistook the man to be a member of the technical support team travelling with the President and was upset that a “significant software problem” had yet to be solved.

Of course, the man was not a part of the White House technical support team.  He was a member of the Indian Prime Minister’s security team assigned to ensure the safety of both the Prime Minister and President Obama during their closed-door meeting.  Gibbs reportedly told the man, “look, I’ve been dealing with you people all God damn day…I want the system fixed, and I want it fixed NOW.” 

During his statement to the press, Gibbs apologized for the outburst although his apology was not without excuses.  “As the President’s Press Secretary I’m responsible for handling all matters concerning the media.  Now, I know, that I don’t have to tell all of you how difficult it is to communicate  with the media from overseas when your laptop won’t turn on (laughter).  That being said, I am truly sorry for my outburst and for mistaking that gentleman to be an IT specialist.  I am undoubtedly appreciative for his efforts in maintaining a safe environment during our visit.”

Ninja Satire was given an 800 number at which to reach the Indian official in question only to be disconnected over a dozen times after the voice recognition system kept confusing “Office of the Prime Minister” with “Orifice of the Prime Minister.”

’70s Folk/Rock Band Blames Bush Administration for Horrendous International Record Sales

In Business, Culture, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, Music, News, Political Satire, Politics, Pop Culture, Republicans, Satire, The President Bush Indirectly Ruined My Life Office, Travel on November 16, 2010 at 20:14

PERTH, AUSTRALIA — When Gerry Beckley, Dewey Bunnell, and Dan Peek decided to call their band America, they had no idea the sorts of emotions the word would eventually stir up in other parts of the world, never imagining that anti-American sentiments would affect record sales in any way.  However, founding member Gerry Beckley tells Ninja Satire that record sales abroad have hit an all time low, and as far as he is concerned, it’s all President Bush’s fault.

Beckley says that the group first noticed a dip in international record sales shortly after the start of the Iraq War in March of 2003.  “It was pretty immediate…the effect on our record sales that is,” said Beckley, who spoke to Ninja Satire from Australia where the band had just wrapped up their 40th anniversary tour.  “Suddenly people from around the world wanted nothing to do with anything American, including us…apparently.  The real kick in the balls is that the three of us spent a lot of time overseas in England.  Our fathers were in the American Air Force and our mothers were British.”

The 58-year-old songwriter, who was born in Ft. Worth, Texas, says he has no doubts about who is ultimately responsible for the lousy record sales.  “President Bush…” said Beckley, “…it’s all Bush’s fault.  The son of a bitch had to prove to the world that he had a pair…then, it’s all shock and awe, command and destroy, and suddenly America can’t sell more than a handful of Greatest Hits albums anywhere in the world…all ’cause of that clodhopping, cow-tipping, corn-fed country bumpkin…f*!#?n’ hillbilly.”

Reportedly, the band had considered changing its name to Foreigner in 2006 before quickly realizing that the name was already taken.

In recent years, America has been touring overseas more and more in an effort to boost their lackluster record sales abroad.  In the past year alone the band has hit Australia, Mexico, Canada, Panama, Brazil, and the Dominican Republic.  For now, Beckley says the band is taking time off from touring to spend the holidays with their families.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich Takes Annual Leave from Congress, Heads to North Pole

In Bureau of Elected Officials Who Look Like Mythological Creatures, Democrats, Holidays, Humor, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Travel on November 14, 2010 at 14:20

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to various reports, Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has left Washington earlier than expected for his annual stint at the North Pole making toys in Santa’s Workshop.  The former Democratic candidate for President left early Sunday morning along with his family and select staff members.

Born Ari-rah of the Rilynn-annia (Silver Beast of the House of Wind) Rep. Kucinich has worked in Santa’s Workshop since he was a young boy, first learning to make wooden rocking horses at age 8 and eventually progressing to more complicated toys like jack-in-the-boxes and iPods.  “I told Speaker Pelosi that I would be leaving a couple of weeks earlier this year,” said Rep. Kucinich, “Santa sent word out to all of his most experienced elves that it was going to be a very busy season, especially considering the high demand for electronics.”

Rep. Kucinich leaves Washington just weeks after his party was voted out of power in the House of Representatives, and there some political experts reporting that certain House members are expressing their disapproval of Rep. Kucinich’s short sabbatical.  One high-ranking congressman was quoted as saying, “this guy needs to decide whether he’s a Congressman or one of Santa’s helpers…I mean really, we need every vote we can get right now and it seems Dennis is more concerned with which pair of pointed shoes he should bring with him to the North Pole.” 

Despite his opposition, Rep. Kucinich is due to arrive at Santa’s Workshop sometime Monday afternoon, where his work-station, hammer, and chisel will be waiting for him.  The Congressman is not expected back in Washington until after the new Congress is sworn into office in late January.