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Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

NEW POLL: Homeless Want Cash, Not Prayers

In Culture, Economy, Humor, Life, News, Religion, Satire, Tidbits on November 28, 2010 at 11:43

BOSTON, MA — In a new poll conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 85% of homeless people in the greater Boston area seem to prefer loose change over spontaneous prayer circles. One respondent stated, “I know they mean well…but they ain’t turnin’ no water into wine up in here…you catch my drift?  I mean, shiiiiiiit.”

According to an article in the most recent edition of Anthropological Studies and the Homeless Man, a monthly periodical, people seem to be offering the homeless more prayer and less money.  One man was quoted in the article as saying, “pocket change isn’t going to get these bums off the street…the power of Christ is their only salvation from eternal damnation.” 

Ninja Satire took to the streets of Boston to get the homeless perspective on the matter.  In response to the article, one man, who goes by the name “Bam Bam Boogie,” told us, “eternal damnation?  Well ain’t that some shit…”  Another man said, “it was f**kin’ cold out last night…if these suckas wanna help give me that North Face fleece you’re wearin’ and I promise…I’ll say a prayer for you.”  Spontaneous prayer has become so popular of late, one Ninja Satire staff member spotted a homeless woman with a sign around her neck that read, “Sure, I’ll pray with you…so…how about some sacrament?” 

However, of all the people we spoke to, it was a man by the name of “Chill” that said it best; “bottom line, these peoples a nuisance, straight up.  It’s so bad man I just ignore’m.  I just keep sittin’ and pretend they don’t exist.  I guess I’m hopin’ the shit just goes away.  These streets…they used to be a great place to live, but now?  It’s an epidemic man…that’s what it is…a f**kin’ epidemic, they oughta quarantine those mothaf**ckas like in that movie with the monkey where all those people died and shit.  Word.”


ELECTION DAY COVERAGE: Exit Polling Indicates Charlie Crist Doing Poorly Amongst Florida Jews

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Election News, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Satire on November 2, 2010 at 18:31

Exit polling out of the State of Florida shows that Independent candidate for Senate Charlie Crist is not faring well amongst Jewish voters.  Democratic Party leaders in the state are blaming the tendency of Jewish voters in Florida to vote Democrat, however, some experts believe that older Jews with poor eyesight may have misread the former Governor’s last name on the ballot.

Gregory Goldman, the head of one of Florida’s largest political consulting firms, contends that Jewish seniors, either consciously or subconsciously, worked their way down the ballot sheet with their failing eyes, saw the name “Christ”, and moved on to the next candidate.  “Even if you consider his former ties to the Republicans, there is no reason that his (Crist’s) numbers amongst Jewish voters should be this bad,” said Goldman.  “Looks like Florida’s geriatrics may have blown another election.”

Of course, nobody can forget what happened during the 2000 Presidential Election when thousands upon thousands of elderly Floridians, intending to vote for Vice President Al Gore, mistakenly voted for Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan.  Many experts blamed the poor eyesight of Florida’s seniors in combination with a confusing ballot arrangement known as the “butterfly” ballot.  The beneficiary of course was then Governor of Texas George W. Bush, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Charlie Crist was unavailable for comment regarding the exit poll figures.  However, Ninja Satire has learned that in an effort to win over any Jewish voters who have yet to hit the polls, Crist has sent out a robo-call saying, “scholem-aleykhem!  Ick heys Charlie Crist, un ikh farlangen ayer untershtitsn arayn hayntik valn.  Ikh hofn oyf ayer shtim.  A dank, lang lebn zolt ir, un lang lebn zolt ir Amerike!”

THE NINJA ARCHIVES: New Yorkers Believe UFO Sighting the Return of Gozer the Gozerian (10/14/10)

In Entertainment, Humor, In The News, Movies, News, Pop Culture, Religion, Satire, Science/Technology on October 31, 2010 at 19:12

On June 8th, 1984 the island of Manhattan was rocked by a paranormal event of biblical proportions.  It was at 55 Central Park West that Gozer the Gozerian, a god worshipped around 6000 BC by both the Hitites and the Sumerians, returned in the form of a giant marshmallow man and terrorized the city.  On that day it was four brave men with proton packs that ultimately defeated the beast and saved the city from total destruction.  However, a new flurry of strange activity has many Manhattanites convinced that Gozer is back.

“I looked up and saw these shiny metal orbs in the sky,” said construction worker Ricky Vasquez, “they didn’t appear to be moving…they seemed to float above the city for quite a while.”  When asked what he thought the source of the objects might be, Vasquez’s beliefs were quite clear.  “Looks like the work of Gozer to me.  I think he’s back to finish what he started back in ’84.”

Willie James was on his way back from lunch when he noticed the strange objects in the sky.  “Man, I was buggin’.  I got chills man!  Look at them goosebumps!”  Like Vasquez, James was convinced that Gozer was planning a new attack on the city.  “I don’t think he’s gonna let some white boys with lasers pick the form of the destructor this time…this time he’s gonna come as a flying tarantula or some sh*t and kill everybody.”

For now, authorities believe the objects to be some sort of balloon, but eyewitness Martha Jenkins isn’t buying it; she knows who to blame and she knows who to call.  “We need the Ghostbusters,” said Mrs. Jenkins, “they did it once and they can do it again.”

The Ghostbusters were unreachable for comment.  However, Ninja Satire was able to locate Louis Tully (Tully’s encounters with the paranormal and the Ghostbusters landed him at the New York State Psychiatric Institute ten years ago) who told our reporters, “Sssssh…come here, ssssssh…do you have any sugar cubes or carrots?  My horse LOVES sugar cubes and carrots.”