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Archive for the ‘Pop Culture’ Category

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.

Prince William’s New Fiancée Reminds Millions of British Women Just How Much Their Lives Suck

In Culture, Humor, In The News, Life, News, Political Satire, Politics, Pop Culture, Satire, The It Must Be Nice to be Rich and Famous Desk, Tidbits on November 17, 2010 at 18:35

LONDON, ENGLAND — Prince William of Wales and Kate Middleton announced their engagement this week at St. James Palace in London reminding millions of British women exactly how sad and meaningless their lives really are.  Upon reading the announcement in a local newspaper, one British woman quietly thought to herself, really…what’s the point of getting up in the morning?

Ninja Satire was able to interview dozens of British woman, many of whom still seemed to harbor teenage fantasies of marrying Prince William and becoming the next Princess of Wales.  One woman said, “I never really thought it would happen…I mean…him marrying someone else.  It takes a lot of bollocks for someone of his stature to marry a grotty trollup like her.”  When asked why she harbored such a negative attitude towards Ms. Middleton, she said, “well…she’s a real slapper now isn’t she…and a gormless plonker to boot.”

An expert on British culture told Ninja Satire that woman in England haven’t been this depressed since they found out George Michael was gay, and that it is unclear exactly how far-reaching the effect of the couple’s announcement will be.  However, according to one British newspaper, women from all over England seem to be “in a fog” and walking around with “pursuant rain clouds over their heads.”  Then again, it could just be the lousy weather.