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Archive for the ‘Military’ Category

Boat Captain Forced to Change Vessel’s Name After Multiple Disappearances

In Humor, Military, News, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits, Travel on November 26, 2010 at 13:03

NORFOLK, VA — The United States Coast Guard advised Captain Charles Wilson to change the name of his fishing boat after several rescue missions put Coast Guard personnel in unnecessary danger this week.  According to the Coast Guard, Wilson’s vessel, the Abracadabra, disappeared from radar a total of 32 times since its maiden voyage ten days ago. 

“Every time the vessel would make a radio transmission it would seemingly vanish from our radar, only to reappear minutes later,” said Coast Guard Commander Richard Lexington.  “It wasn’t until our after our fifth rescue mission that we were able to analyze the mission data and conclude that it was the ship’s name that was causing the disappearances.”

Commander Lexington told Ninja Satire that the Coast Guard, with full cooperation from Captain Wilson and his crew, ran a series of tests that eventually led to an official recommendation that Captain Wilson change the name of the vessel.  “The tests were extremely helpful,” said Captain Wilson, “it seems I underestimated the power of such a magical word.  I’ve decided to shorten the name to Abra for the time being, until I can make an official name change.”  

Coast Guard rescue crews were dispatched on five separate occasions when the Abracadabra failed to reappear on radar after several minutes.  Lieutenant James Hancock explained to Ninja Satire that his crew would fly over the vessel’s last known coordinates many times and then, suddenly, it would seem to “appear out of nowhere” right in front of their eyes.  “It was pretty spooky sh*t,” said Lieutenant Hancock, adding, “I’m glad we got to the bottom of that one.”

As to why Captain Wilson named his boat Abracadabra in the first place?  According to members of his crew, Captain Wilson is an amateur magician and named the vessel in honor of his favorite hobby.  “Actually, he’s a pretty horrible magician,” said one crew member, “it figures he’d accidentally make his ship disappear.”


United States Military Looking Forward to Another 364 Days at a Thankless Job

In Culture, Democrats, Family, Holidays, Humor, In The News, Life, Military, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire on November 11, 2010 at 19:58

HEIDELBERG, GERMANY — With Veterans Day drawing to a close, military personnel stationed around the globe are getting ready for another year of working in relative obscurity as Americans refocus their attention to sports, tabloids, and television dance contests.

P.F.C. Marcus James Rodriguez of Tampa, Florida is currently stationed at the Campbell Barracks in Heidelberg, Germany.  In an exclusive interview, he told Ninja Satire that he’d much rather say “you’re welcome” once or twice daily for an entire year as opposed to “2,347 times in one day.”  He continued, “while the nation is caught up in whether or not Bristol Palin is going to win Dancing with the Stars, I’ll be getting ready to deploy to a forward area in Afghanistan to help fight in the War on Terror.  So, you’re welcome America…keep eating that pint of cookie dough ice cream while you watch D-list celebrities trip over their own two feet…it’s why we do what we do.”

Other servicemen from Campbell shared P.F.C. Rodriguez’s sentiments, like Pvt. Tyrone “Ty” Reed who told Ninja Satire, “I’m really glad that Americans can get a day off at work on our holiday.  It’s the least we could do…really.”  Sgt. James Andrews said, “all the thanks we get on Veteran’s Day is great…and really, we appreciate it…so…like…can we come home now or what?”  But it was Pvt. Frank Simmons who put it best when he said, “you know what man, why don’t they just make it National CEO Day…give them the holiday and I’ll take those phat bonuses they get every year…yeeeeeyaaa!”

Another Veterans Day has come and gone and as American’s give thanks to U.S. servicemen and women around the world one thing is for sure; the most sincere form of gratitude might just be a plane ticket home in time for Thanksgiving.  ‘Cause when you get right down to it…like P.F.C. Rodriguez says, “Afghani turkeys taste like sh*t.”

Navy Fullback Awarded Purple Heart after Leaving Game with Knee Injury

In Football, Humor, Military, News, Satire, Sports on October 24, 2010 at 23:44

The Department of Defense announced Saturday that Vince Murray, a senior fullback for the United States Naval Academy, has been awarded the Purple Heart for injuries he sustained on the field of battle last week.  The Midshipmen were in the middle of a heated contest against Wake Forest when Murray got hit.  “We were just starting to penetrate their defenses when the enemy cut him down from behind,” said quarterback Ricky Dobbs.  “I just thank the good Lord he survived the attack.”

Murray learned of the honor late Sunday while recuperating in a Navy hospital.  “I’m no hero,” Murray said, “it could have been any one of us that went down that day.  I was just doing my job, simple as that, and I’m extremely anxious to heal up and get back out there.”  Murray is the first Midshipmen to earn a Purple Heart since the Army v. Navy game in 2003.

The announcement came the day after Murray watched his team roll over the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame in what was their biggest victory to date.  “We dedicated that game to Vince,” Dobbs said.  “His courage in battle inspires all of us to give as much of ourselves as we possibly can week in and week out.  Right now, we’re invincible.” 

In its history, the Navy has awarded 25 Purple Hearts to Midshipmen who have sacrificed their bodies for the greater good of the team.  Only one player, Rodney Wallace, has ever earned the Congressional Medal of Honor while serving on the gridiron.  In November of 1962, running back Billy Wilkes fell to the ground with a broken leg, and with the ball still in his arms, Wallace carried Wilkes 70 yards downfield scoring the winning touchdown as time expired.

President Kennedy presented Wallace the Medal of Honor during a White House ceremony honoring various military personnel for their services in battle.  Kennedy said of Wallace, “there is no greater military training ground than a university football field…we can expect great things from this young man in the future.”  Ironically, Wallace was killed in Vietnam five years later when he instinctively jumped on top of a loose hand grenade.