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Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

NEW POLL: Homeless Want Cash, Not Prayers

In Culture, Economy, Humor, Life, News, Religion, Satire, Tidbits on November 28, 2010 at 11:43

BOSTON, MA — In a new poll conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 85% of homeless people in the greater Boston area seem to prefer loose change over spontaneous prayer circles. One respondent stated, “I know they mean well…but they ain’t turnin’ no water into wine up in here…you catch my drift?  I mean, shiiiiiiit.”

According to an article in the most recent edition of Anthropological Studies and the Homeless Man, a monthly periodical, people seem to be offering the homeless more prayer and less money.  One man was quoted in the article as saying, “pocket change isn’t going to get these bums off the street…the power of Christ is their only salvation from eternal damnation.” 

Ninja Satire took to the streets of Boston to get the homeless perspective on the matter.  In response to the article, one man, who goes by the name “Bam Bam Boogie,” told us, “eternal damnation?  Well ain’t that some shit…”  Another man said, “it was f**kin’ cold out last night…if these suckas wanna help give me that North Face fleece you’re wearin’ and I promise…I’ll say a prayer for you.”  Spontaneous prayer has become so popular of late, one Ninja Satire staff member spotted a homeless woman with a sign around her neck that read, “Sure, I’ll pray with you…so…how about some sacrament?” 

However, of all the people we spoke to, it was a man by the name of “Chill” that said it best; “bottom line, these peoples a nuisance, straight up.  It’s so bad man I just ignore’m.  I just keep sittin’ and pretend they don’t exist.  I guess I’m hopin’ the shit just goes away.  These streets…they used to be a great place to live, but now?  It’s an epidemic man…that’s what it is…a f**kin’ epidemic, they oughta quarantine those mothaf**ckas like in that movie with the monkey where all those people died and shit.  Word.”

Prince William’s New Fiancée Reminds Millions of British Women Just How Much Their Lives Suck

In Culture, Humor, In The News, Life, News, Political Satire, Politics, Pop Culture, Satire, The It Must Be Nice to be Rich and Famous Desk, Tidbits on November 17, 2010 at 18:35

LONDON, ENGLAND — Prince William of Wales and Kate Middleton announced their engagement this week at St. James Palace in London reminding millions of British women exactly how sad and meaningless their lives really are.  Upon reading the announcement in a local newspaper, one British woman quietly thought to herself, really…what’s the point of getting up in the morning?

Ninja Satire was able to interview dozens of British woman, many of whom still seemed to harbor teenage fantasies of marrying Prince William and becoming the next Princess of Wales.  One woman said, “I never really thought it would happen…I mean…him marrying someone else.  It takes a lot of bollocks for someone of his stature to marry a grotty trollup like her.”  When asked why she harbored such a negative attitude towards Ms. Middleton, she said, “well…she’s a real slapper now isn’t she…and a gormless plonker to boot.”

An expert on British culture told Ninja Satire that woman in England haven’t been this depressed since they found out George Michael was gay, and that it is unclear exactly how far-reaching the effect of the couple’s announcement will be.  However, according to one British newspaper, women from all over England seem to be “in a fog” and walking around with “pursuant rain clouds over their heads.”  Then again, it could just be the lousy weather.

United States Military Looking Forward to Another 364 Days at a Thankless Job

In Culture, Democrats, Family, Holidays, Humor, In The News, Life, Military, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire on November 11, 2010 at 19:58

HEIDELBERG, GERMANY — With Veterans Day drawing to a close, military personnel stationed around the globe are getting ready for another year of working in relative obscurity as Americans refocus their attention to sports, tabloids, and television dance contests.

P.F.C. Marcus James Rodriguez of Tampa, Florida is currently stationed at the Campbell Barracks in Heidelberg, Germany.  In an exclusive interview, he told Ninja Satire that he’d much rather say “you’re welcome” once or twice daily for an entire year as opposed to “2,347 times in one day.”  He continued, “while the nation is caught up in whether or not Bristol Palin is going to win Dancing with the Stars, I’ll be getting ready to deploy to a forward area in Afghanistan to help fight in the War on Terror.  So, you’re welcome America…keep eating that pint of cookie dough ice cream while you watch D-list celebrities trip over their own two feet…it’s why we do what we do.”

Other servicemen from Campbell shared P.F.C. Rodriguez’s sentiments, like Pvt. Tyrone “Ty” Reed who told Ninja Satire, “I’m really glad that Americans can get a day off at work on our holiday.  It’s the least we could do…really.”  Sgt. James Andrews said, “all the thanks we get on Veteran’s Day is great…and really, we appreciate it…so…like…can we come home now or what?”  But it was Pvt. Frank Simmons who put it best when he said, “you know what man, why don’t they just make it National CEO Day…give them the holiday and I’ll take those phat bonuses they get every year…yeeeeeyaaa!”

Another Veterans Day has come and gone and as American’s give thanks to U.S. servicemen and women around the world one thing is for sure; the most sincere form of gratitude might just be a plane ticket home in time for Thanksgiving.  ‘Cause when you get right down to it…like P.F.C. Rodriguez says, “Afghani turkeys taste like sh*t.”