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Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.


Rep. Dennis Kucinich Takes Annual Leave from Congress, Heads to North Pole

In Bureau of Elected Officials Who Look Like Mythological Creatures, Democrats, Holidays, Humor, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Travel on November 14, 2010 at 14:20

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to various reports, Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has left Washington earlier than expected for his annual stint at the North Pole making toys in Santa’s Workshop.  The former Democratic candidate for President left early Sunday morning along with his family and select staff members.

Born Ari-rah of the Rilynn-annia (Silver Beast of the House of Wind) Rep. Kucinich has worked in Santa’s Workshop since he was a young boy, first learning to make wooden rocking horses at age 8 and eventually progressing to more complicated toys like jack-in-the-boxes and iPods.  “I told Speaker Pelosi that I would be leaving a couple of weeks earlier this year,” said Rep. Kucinich, “Santa sent word out to all of his most experienced elves that it was going to be a very busy season, especially considering the high demand for electronics.”

Rep. Kucinich leaves Washington just weeks after his party was voted out of power in the House of Representatives, and there some political experts reporting that certain House members are expressing their disapproval of Rep. Kucinich’s short sabbatical.  One high-ranking congressman was quoted as saying, “this guy needs to decide whether he’s a Congressman or one of Santa’s helpers…I mean really, we need every vote we can get right now and it seems Dennis is more concerned with which pair of pointed shoes he should bring with him to the North Pole.” 

Despite his opposition, Rep. Kucinich is due to arrive at Santa’s Workshop sometime Monday afternoon, where his work-station, hammer, and chisel will be waiting for him.  The Congressman is not expected back in Washington until after the new Congress is sworn into office in late January.

United States Military Looking Forward to Another 364 Days at a Thankless Job

In Culture, Democrats, Family, Holidays, Humor, In The News, Life, Military, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire on November 11, 2010 at 19:58

HEIDELBERG, GERMANY — With Veterans Day drawing to a close, military personnel stationed around the globe are getting ready for another year of working in relative obscurity as Americans refocus their attention to sports, tabloids, and television dance contests.

P.F.C. Marcus James Rodriguez of Tampa, Florida is currently stationed at the Campbell Barracks in Heidelberg, Germany.  In an exclusive interview, he told Ninja Satire that he’d much rather say “you’re welcome” once or twice daily for an entire year as opposed to “2,347 times in one day.”  He continued, “while the nation is caught up in whether or not Bristol Palin is going to win Dancing with the Stars, I’ll be getting ready to deploy to a forward area in Afghanistan to help fight in the War on Terror.  So, you’re welcome America…keep eating that pint of cookie dough ice cream while you watch D-list celebrities trip over their own two feet…it’s why we do what we do.”

Other servicemen from Campbell shared P.F.C. Rodriguez’s sentiments, like Pvt. Tyrone “Ty” Reed who told Ninja Satire, “I’m really glad that Americans can get a day off at work on our holiday.  It’s the least we could do…really.”  Sgt. James Andrews said, “all the thanks we get on Veteran’s Day is great…and really, we appreciate it…so…like…can we come home now or what?”  But it was Pvt. Frank Simmons who put it best when he said, “you know what man, why don’t they just make it National CEO Day…give them the holiday and I’ll take those phat bonuses they get every year…yeeeeeyaaa!”

Another Veterans Day has come and gone and as American’s give thanks to U.S. servicemen and women around the world one thing is for sure; the most sincere form of gratitude might just be a plane ticket home in time for Thanksgiving.  ‘Cause when you get right down to it…like P.F.C. Rodriguez says, “Afghani turkeys taste like sh*t.”