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Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.


REPORT: Local Dentist has Bad Breath

In Family, Health, Humor, Life, News, Occupational Irony Department, Satire, Tidbits on November 11, 2010 at 14:18

GREEN BAY, WI — Dr. Peter O’Reilly has been practicing dentistry for more than thirty years and has long been regarded as one of the top dentists in Eastern Wisconsin.  However, in a new survey, 4 out of 5 of his patients agree; Dr. O’Reilly has bad breath caused by gingivitis.

“It’s hands down one of the nastiest things I’ve ever smelled,” said one patient, “he thought I was cringing because of the drill…I’ll tell ya…I’d rather have a tooth pulled than suffer through another minute of that sh*t.”  To make matters worse, apparently Dr. O’Reilly is one of those dentists who likes to tell stories…long stories.  A patient who wishes to be called “Luke” told Ninja Satire that he once had to listen to a 30 minute story about a fishing trip during a routine cleaning.  “You’d think that surgical mask he wears would deflect or absorb some of it…but it doesn’t.  You can smell everything…you can smell absolutely everything.”  

Ninja Satire attempted to reach Dr. O’Reilly for comment but was told by his staff that he had stepped out of the office.  However, an eyewitness told one of our reporters that he spotted Dr. O’Reilly standing in line at a local convenience store holding a bottle of Listerine in one hand and a container of chlorine bleach in the other.

Trauma Surgeon Loses Game of Operation to Nine Year Old

In Culture, Entertainment, Family, Games, Health, Humor, Life, News, Occupational Irony Department, Pop Culture, Satire, Tidbits on November 10, 2010 at 20:03

BOSTON, MA — Dr. David Rothstein, a vascular surgeon at Massachusetts General Hospital, shocked friends and colleagues recently when he was beaten by fourth grader Lindsay Wilcox in the classic kids’ game Operation.  Dr. Rothstein and his wife Patricia were attending a dinner party when the young girl challenged the good doctor to a friendly game, a game that ended in total embarrassment for the Harvard Medical School Graduate. 

“Towards the end of the game I was able to grab the wish bone without the guy’s nose lighting up,” said Dr. Rothstein, “that gave me the $300 I needed to get back in the game.”  Rothstein was leading and only needed to snag the infamous bread basket to put the game out of reach.  However, after dozens of failed attempts, his pint-sized opponent was able to grab all the remaining pieces, including the bread basket on her very first try.

The girl’s mother, Julie Wilcox, could not believe what she just witnessed.  “The room fell silent…I mean, how embarrassing to lose in front of all those other doctors.  It’s like a child beating a real estate agent in a game of Monopoly,” said the mother.  Another guest, Dr. James Williams, had a similar view, saying, “do you think in a million years a Boston Police Detective would lose a game of Clue to some kid?”

The head of the Trauma Center at Mass. General, Dr. William Osterman, told Ninja Satire that he’s not particularly impressed by Dr. Rothstein’s performance.  “I’m afraid he might not be the surgeon I thought he was,” said Dr. Osterman, “seriously…all you have to do is grab a view pieces of plastic with a pair of tweezers without the buzzer going off…shouldn’t be too difficult.”  When asked if Dr. Rothstein would lose his job over the incident, Dr. Osterman said, “I’m going to assume he had too much wine with dinner…but you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll be operating under fairly intense scrutiny for the next few months.”