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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.

United States Military Looking Forward to Another 364 Days at a Thankless Job

In Culture, Democrats, Family, Holidays, Humor, In The News, Life, Military, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire on November 11, 2010 at 19:58

HEIDELBERG, GERMANY — With Veterans Day drawing to a close, military personnel stationed around the globe are getting ready for another year of working in relative obscurity as Americans refocus their attention to sports, tabloids, and television dance contests.

P.F.C. Marcus James Rodriguez of Tampa, Florida is currently stationed at the Campbell Barracks in Heidelberg, Germany.  In an exclusive interview, he told Ninja Satire that he’d much rather say “you’re welcome” once or twice daily for an entire year as opposed to “2,347 times in one day.”  He continued, “while the nation is caught up in whether or not Bristol Palin is going to win Dancing with the Stars, I’ll be getting ready to deploy to a forward area in Afghanistan to help fight in the War on Terror.  So, you’re welcome America…keep eating that pint of cookie dough ice cream while you watch D-list celebrities trip over their own two feet…it’s why we do what we do.”

Other servicemen from Campbell shared P.F.C. Rodriguez’s sentiments, like Pvt. Tyrone “Ty” Reed who told Ninja Satire, “I’m really glad that Americans can get a day off at work on our holiday.  It’s the least we could do…really.”  Sgt. James Andrews said, “all the thanks we get on Veteran’s Day is great…and really, we appreciate it…so…like…can we come home now or what?”  But it was Pvt. Frank Simmons who put it best when he said, “you know what man, why don’t they just make it National CEO Day…give them the holiday and I’ll take those phat bonuses they get every year…yeeeeeyaaa!”

Another Veterans Day has come and gone and as American’s give thanks to U.S. servicemen and women around the world one thing is for sure; the most sincere form of gratitude might just be a plane ticket home in time for Thanksgiving.  ‘Cause when you get right down to it…like P.F.C. Rodriguez says, “Afghani turkeys taste like sh*t.”