Master Kushikimi-San's

Archive for the ‘Television’ Category

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.


Native American Tribe Offended by Redskins’ Crappy Performance on Monday Night Football

In Culture, Entertainment, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 16, 2010 at 14:42

MILLSBORO, DE — The Nanticoke Indian Tribe issued a statement Tuesday morning condemning the “Anishinabe-like” performance put forth by the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football this week.  The tribe says that the team’s 59-28 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles is an “embarrassment to all native people” and that a local tribe has not suffered a defeat of this magnitude since Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676.

“We are calling for the resignation of Coach Shanahan,” said one tribal elder.  “He is not fit to lead his tribe on the field of battle…he is an embarrassment to his people.”  According to the Nanticoke, Shanahan is a peace-time leader in an era when all out war is the only option.  “This team needs a war-time Chief…” said one Nanticoke youth, “…like Parcells or Cowher.  Coach Shanahan’s non-violent approach to the game will lead to total annihilation…I am certain of it.”

Anthony Pintero, the head of public relations for the Washington Redskins, told Ninja Satire, “usually when a tribe issues a statement regarding the team it’s in reference to the term, redskins…we’re pretty used to that, but now, they’re asserting that the team’s performance is in some way offensive?  Are they even aware that this is a professional football team?  I mean…we’re not a Native tribe…we play football…in a stadium…you know?”

When asked to respond to Pintero’s comments one tribal member said, “are we are tired of professional sports teams using offensive and derogatory terminology to refer to our people?  Yes, of course we are…but what’s worse is that these teams haven’t won sh*t since the Braves in ’95…maybe if they brought home a trophy once in a while we could learn to live with offensive names and mascots.”  One of our reporters pointed out to him that the Chicago Blackhawks are, in fact, the defending Stanley Cup Champions, to which he replied, “the Stanley Cup?  What is that, a bowling trophy?  Oh…wait, that’s right…they give that out in Sailing…or something…right?  Whatever.”

THE NINJA ARCHIVES: Hanna Barbera Files Lawsuit Against Rachel Maddow

In Bureau of Famous People Who Look Like Cartoon Characters, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Television on November 13, 2010 at 20:10

Rachel Maddow, a prominent left-winger and political talk show host on MSNBC is being sued by Hanna Barbera for copyright infringement in regards to her use of, as they put it, “the Thelma look.”

In court papers filed Monday, Hanna Barbera alleges that Maddow’s appearance is, “undeniably Thelma.  The glasses…the short hair…the androgyny…together these elements infringe upon this company’s intellectual property and we ask Rachel Maddow to cease and desist.”

“This lawsuit is just another example of the right-wing conspiracy that has been trying to take me down ever since I started hosting my own show on MSNBC,” said Maddow, “I’ve looked this way my whole life.  The idea that I’m trying to look like a cartoon character who runs around with a over-sized dog is preposterous.”

In response to Maddow’s comments, Hanna Barbera released this photo (a high school yearbook picture of Maddow) to the press and plan on using it as evidence that Maddow deliberately changed her appearance in order to mimic the famous cartoon character known for solving mysteries and conspiracies.

When confronted with having made false statements and the possibility that the cartoon company’s case held water, Maddow sighed and replied, “well…I would have gotten away with it had it not been for those meddling right-wing fascist pigs at Hanna Barbera.”