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Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

“Rain Man” Showing Confidence in Qantas after Mid-Air Emergency

In Business, Entertainment, Humor, In The News, Movies, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Travel on November 5, 2010 at 16:20

It’s been 22 years since Raymond “Rain Man” Babbitt and his brother Charlie made headlines after driving from Cincinnati to Los Angeles in their father’s 1949 Buick Roadmaster Convertible.  Charlie, who had taken his autistic brother out of the Walbrook Institute in the hopes of securing a three million dollar inheritance after the death of their father, wanted to make the trip by plane.  Despite his brother’s intentions, Raymond refused to board any airline…except Qantas.  Why?  Because Qantas never crashed.

The impressive streak almost came to an end when Qantas flight 32, an Airbus A380 en route from London to Sydney, suffered massive engine failure, putting the fate of the aircraft and all those on board in serious jeopardy.  Amazingly, the crew was able to land the plane safely in Singapore.

In the wake of the accident the entire A380 fleet was grounded until further notice.  Many in the media have questioned the reliability of Qantas’ service, especially when another Qantas aircraft experienced engine difficulties the following day.  However, as far as Raymond Babbitt is concerned, Qantas is still the only way to fly.  “Qantas still never crashed,” said Babbitt, sitting on his bed next to his dormitory window while sifting through a stack of old baseball cards.

Following the incident, Qantas’ biggest fan has been getting a lot of media attention, but any suspicions that Raymond might be wavering in his support of the airline were quickly dispelled.  When asked if he would still feel safe flying on Qantas, Raymond replied, “Yeah…yeah…I don’t know…are you taking any prescription medication?”  Ninja Satire was able to reach Raymond’s brother, Charlie, by telephone and he indicated that he had planned to take Raymond to Australia in 2008 but was forced to cancel the trip when he realized the his brother would not be able to watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy on the over-night flight.

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Mad Hatter Distances Himself from Tea Party Crowd

In Books, Democrats, Election News, Entertainment, Family, Humor, In The News, Movies, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire on November 1, 2010 at 21:16

In a statement released Monday from Wonderland, the Mad Hatter announced that he is “in no way associated with these tea paaahtiers,” and asked those attending tea party rallies to, “tone it down…yaw giving us lovable loooooons a baaahd name.”  This marks the first time the Hatter has spoken publicly since the theatrical release of Fatal Attraction (1987).  Speaking on the behalf of his close friend, the March Hare, he blasted the makers of the film for its cruelty to rabbits.

The Mad Hatter also stated that, “these Tea Paaahty chaahracters are cah-raaaazy!!!  They’re dangerously dowe-py…unbelieeeevabely unsettled…wildly wee-ahd…why…I say, they don’t even drink tea at tea time!  Where’s the teeeeeeeea!?!?”  Tea Party candidates from around the country were quick to dismiss the Hatter’s comments as trivial.  Roger Townsend, a Tea Party candidate from Fargo, North Dakota said, “the Hatter is a crazed lunatic who speaks wildly and without any thought what-so-ever…who in the world would take anything a man like that says seriously?”

“Imagine…this crowd is too wild and crazy even for the Mad Hatter…now that is saying something,” said CNN political analyst Candy Crowley, adding, “the Hatter shows us who we really are…although unrefined at times, he speaks the truth about a wide range of issues.”  Tea Party organizers are quick to point out that as a child, Crowley played the role of Tweedle Dee in her grade school’s production of Alice in Wonderland and that her opinion on the subject is undoubtedly biased. 

It is hard to speculate as to the effect the Hatter’s statement will have on Tuesday’s elections.  His statement in 1987 did little to slow the success of Fatal Attraction at the box office.  Ninja Satire attempted to contact the Mad Hatter for further comment but was told by his sleepy friend the Dormouse that the Hatter was “busy celebrating his 52,780th un-birthday” and “could not be disturbed.”

THE NINJA ARCHIVES: New Yorkers Believe UFO Sighting the Return of Gozer the Gozerian (10/14/10)

In Entertainment, Humor, In The News, Movies, News, Pop Culture, Religion, Satire, Science/Technology on October 31, 2010 at 19:12

On June 8th, 1984 the island of Manhattan was rocked by a paranormal event of biblical proportions.  It was at 55 Central Park West that Gozer the Gozerian, a god worshipped around 6000 BC by both the Hitites and the Sumerians, returned in the form of a giant marshmallow man and terrorized the city.  On that day it was four brave men with proton packs that ultimately defeated the beast and saved the city from total destruction.  However, a new flurry of strange activity has many Manhattanites convinced that Gozer is back.

“I looked up and saw these shiny metal orbs in the sky,” said construction worker Ricky Vasquez, “they didn’t appear to be moving…they seemed to float above the city for quite a while.”  When asked what he thought the source of the objects might be, Vasquez’s beliefs were quite clear.  “Looks like the work of Gozer to me.  I think he’s back to finish what he started back in ’84.”

Willie James was on his way back from lunch when he noticed the strange objects in the sky.  “Man, I was buggin’.  I got chills man!  Look at them goosebumps!”  Like Vasquez, James was convinced that Gozer was planning a new attack on the city.  “I don’t think he’s gonna let some white boys with lasers pick the form of the destructor this time…this time he’s gonna come as a flying tarantula or some sh*t and kill everybody.”

For now, authorities believe the objects to be some sort of balloon, but eyewitness Martha Jenkins isn’t buying it; she knows who to blame and she knows who to call.  “We need the Ghostbusters,” said Mrs. Jenkins, “they did it once and they can do it again.”

The Ghostbusters were unreachable for comment.  However, Ninja Satire was able to locate Louis Tully (Tully’s encounters with the paranormal and the Ghostbusters landed him at the New York State Psychiatric Institute ten years ago) who told our reporters, “Sssssh…come here, ssssssh…do you have any sugar cubes or carrots?  My horse LOVES sugar cubes and carrots.”