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Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds Suffer Seizures During Oprah Winfrey Show

In Entertainment, Family, Health, Holidays, Humor, In The News, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television on November 20, 2010 at 19:38

CHICAGO, IL — Reports out of Harpo Studios indicate that at least 100 audience members suffered what are known as grand mal seizures (tonic-clonic seizures) today during a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  The show was Oprah’s yearly holiday themed extravaganza known as “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” 

During the show, Oprah gives away dozens of prizes to her audience.  This being her final season, the popular television talk show host wanted to make this year’s episode extra special by giving away the biggest gifts to date.  Well, along with a cruise and extremely expensive earrings, many members of Oprah’s audience received an all expenses paid trip to the Mount Sinai Medical Center for neurological evaluation.

A grand mal seizure is a generalized seizure the affects the whole brain.  During the “tonic” phase a person will lose consciousness and the muscles will tense up.  Sometimes, the person will let out a loud moan due to air being forced out of the lungs.  During the “clonic” phase the person will go into convulsions, coupled with a rolling or closing of the eyes.  In some cases, the person can even become incontinent.  All of these symptoms, with the exception of the incontinence (as far as we know), can be seen in the video above. 

Most of the audience members who suffered the seizures were already in the “postictal” state (the sleepy period following a seizure) by the time rescue crews arrived on scene, and according to reports, all of those taken to the hospital have been released and are expected to make a full recovery.

’70s Folk/Rock Band Blames Bush Administration for Horrendous International Record Sales

In Business, Culture, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, Music, News, Political Satire, Politics, Pop Culture, Republicans, Satire, The President Bush Indirectly Ruined My Life Office, Travel on November 16, 2010 at 20:14

PERTH, AUSTRALIA — When Gerry Beckley, Dewey Bunnell, and Dan Peek decided to call their band America, they had no idea the sorts of emotions the word would eventually stir up in other parts of the world, never imagining that anti-American sentiments would affect record sales in any way.  However, founding member Gerry Beckley tells Ninja Satire that record sales abroad have hit an all time low, and as far as he is concerned, it’s all President Bush’s fault.

Beckley says that the group first noticed a dip in international record sales shortly after the start of the Iraq War in March of 2003.  “It was pretty immediate…the effect on our record sales that is,” said Beckley, who spoke to Ninja Satire from Australia where the band had just wrapped up their 40th anniversary tour.  “Suddenly people from around the world wanted nothing to do with anything American, including us…apparently.  The real kick in the balls is that the three of us spent a lot of time overseas in England.  Our fathers were in the American Air Force and our mothers were British.”

The 58-year-old songwriter, who was born in Ft. Worth, Texas, says he has no doubts about who is ultimately responsible for the lousy record sales.  “President Bush…” said Beckley, “…it’s all Bush’s fault.  The son of a bitch had to prove to the world that he had a pair…then, it’s all shock and awe, command and destroy, and suddenly America can’t sell more than a handful of Greatest Hits albums anywhere in the world…all ’cause of that clodhopping, cow-tipping, corn-fed country bumpkin…f*!#?n’ hillbilly.”

Reportedly, the band had considered changing its name to Foreigner in 2006 before quickly realizing that the name was already taken.

In recent years, America has been touring overseas more and more in an effort to boost their lackluster record sales abroad.  In the past year alone the band has hit Australia, Mexico, Canada, Panama, Brazil, and the Dominican Republic.  For now, Beckley says the band is taking time off from touring to spend the holidays with their families.