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Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

NEW POLL: Homeless Want Cash, Not Prayers

In Culture, Economy, Humor, Life, News, Religion, Satire, Tidbits on November 28, 2010 at 11:43

BOSTON, MA — In a new poll conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 85% of homeless people in the greater Boston area seem to prefer loose change over spontaneous prayer circles. One respondent stated, “I know they mean well…but they ain’t turnin’ no water into wine up in here…you catch my drift?  I mean, shiiiiiiit.”

According to an article in the most recent edition of Anthropological Studies and the Homeless Man, a monthly periodical, people seem to be offering the homeless more prayer and less money.  One man was quoted in the article as saying, “pocket change isn’t going to get these bums off the street…the power of Christ is their only salvation from eternal damnation.” 

Ninja Satire took to the streets of Boston to get the homeless perspective on the matter.  In response to the article, one man, who goes by the name “Bam Bam Boogie,” told us, “eternal damnation?  Well ain’t that some shit…”  Another man said, “it was f**kin’ cold out last night…if these suckas wanna help give me that North Face fleece you’re wearin’ and I promise…I’ll say a prayer for you.”  Spontaneous prayer has become so popular of late, one Ninja Satire staff member spotted a homeless woman with a sign around her neck that read, “Sure, I’ll pray with you…so…how about some sacrament?” 

However, of all the people we spoke to, it was a man by the name of “Chill” that said it best; “bottom line, these peoples a nuisance, straight up.  It’s so bad man I just ignore’m.  I just keep sittin’ and pretend they don’t exist.  I guess I’m hopin’ the shit just goes away.  These streets…they used to be a great place to live, but now?  It’s an epidemic man…that’s what it is…a f**kin’ epidemic, they oughta quarantine those mothaf**ckas like in that movie with the monkey where all those people died and shit.  Word.”

THE NINJA ARCHIVES: Due to Bad Economy, Motel 6 No Longer “Leaving the Light on For You” (10/16/10)

In Business, Economy, Humor, News, Satire, Tidbits, Travel on November 6, 2010 at 22:09

Anybody who has seen or heard an advertisement for Motel 6 knows that they all end with the famous phrase, “we’ll leave the light on for ya.”  However, executives from Accor Hotels, the company that owns the Motel 6 chain, announced Friday that they will no longer be leaving the lights on for their customers due to budget cutbacks and a weak economy. 

According to Accor’s public relations officer Peter Yanko, a drop in business over the past year not only resulted in low profits but higher electric bills.  “Usually when somebody checks into a room in the middle of the night they will turn the lights off and go to bed.  A drop in paying customers means more lights being left on all night.  Our electric bills at almost every location have shot through the roof.”

Motel 6 isn’t the only hotel chain feeling the effects of a bad economy.  Four Seasons Hotels were recently forced to change their slogan from “Fifty hotels, twenty-two countries, one philosophy” to “Thirty hotels, ten countries, and a mission statement.”  Ramada changed their slogan from “A very good place to be” to “Ramada…not too shabby.”

There is no word on exactly when the lights will be turned off but there are already ideas for a new slogan floating around Accor’s offices.  Our staff is partial to, “Motel 6…enjoy our candelabras.”

2010 MIDTERM ELECTION ANALYSIS: Strippers, John Boehner’s Tan, and “Bustin’ Heads!”

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Economy, Election News, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Tidbits on November 3, 2010 at 14:05

Strippers Hit the Polls, Propel Sen. Reid to Victory

Adult entertainers from Las Vegas showed up to the polls in large numbers Tuesday to vote for Sen. Harry Reid, helping the embattled Senator win reelection in what was a closely fought battle with Republican Sharon Angle.  One woman known as “Destiny” told Ninja Satire that, “um…yeah…that Republican lady?  She was like, all against alcohol and stuff…and like, that’s just not cool at all…plus, um…you know…all us girls know Harry pretty good…he’s always taken care of us so we thought, you know, like, we’d return the favor and stuff…”

 

As First Act of New Congress, House Republican Leader John Boehner Vows to Repeal Tax on Tanning Salons

Barring some sort of unforeseen scandal, Republican Rep. John Boehner will be the next Speaker of the House of Representatives.  According to Rep. Boehner, his first act as Speaker will be to repeal the ten percent tax levied on tanning salons as part of Obama’s health care package that was passed last year.  Rep. Boehner said, “this is just another attempt by government to take money out of the hands of hard-working Americans with lighter than normal skin complexion,” adding, “if you want a decent tan you’ve got to go almost everyday; that kind of money adds up at the end of the year…well, I mean…that’s what I’ve heard…”

 

After Election Night Victory, Republican Rand Paul tells Supporters, “I’m Gonna Get in There and Bust Some Heads!”

The Senator-elect’s comments were somewhat regrettable considering the episode that took place outside a scheduled debate just last week when supporters of Paul stomped on a woman’s head.  The woman, Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org, showed up at the debate to protest Paul’s cronyism.  Senator-elect Paul later stated, “obviously I was caught up in the thrill of victory, okay, and what I said had nothing to do with what happened to that societal parasite the other night.  It was directed towards the rat bastards in Washington and nobody else.  Now, get lost…all of you…I’m in the Senate now, and I don’t need to stand here and answer these stupid questions.”