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Archive for the ‘Culture’ Category

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

NEW POLL: Homeless Want Cash, Not Prayers

In Culture, Economy, Humor, Life, News, Religion, Satire, Tidbits on November 28, 2010 at 11:43

BOSTON, MA — In a new poll conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 85% of homeless people in the greater Boston area seem to prefer loose change over spontaneous prayer circles. One respondent stated, “I know they mean well…but they ain’t turnin’ no water into wine up in here…you catch my drift?  I mean, shiiiiiiit.”

According to an article in the most recent edition of Anthropological Studies and the Homeless Man, a monthly periodical, people seem to be offering the homeless more prayer and less money.  One man was quoted in the article as saying, “pocket change isn’t going to get these bums off the street…the power of Christ is their only salvation from eternal damnation.” 

Ninja Satire took to the streets of Boston to get the homeless perspective on the matter.  In response to the article, one man, who goes by the name “Bam Bam Boogie,” told us, “eternal damnation?  Well ain’t that some shit…”  Another man said, “it was f**kin’ cold out last night…if these suckas wanna help give me that North Face fleece you’re wearin’ and I promise…I’ll say a prayer for you.”  Spontaneous prayer has become so popular of late, one Ninja Satire staff member spotted a homeless woman with a sign around her neck that read, “Sure, I’ll pray with you…so…how about some sacrament?” 

However, of all the people we spoke to, it was a man by the name of “Chill” that said it best; “bottom line, these peoples a nuisance, straight up.  It’s so bad man I just ignore’m.  I just keep sittin’ and pretend they don’t exist.  I guess I’m hopin’ the shit just goes away.  These streets…they used to be a great place to live, but now?  It’s an epidemic man…that’s what it is…a f**kin’ epidemic, they oughta quarantine those mothaf**ckas like in that movie with the monkey where all those people died and shit.  Word.”

REPORT: Fmr. President Jimmy Carter Snatches Palestinian Baby While in Middle East

In Culture, Democrats, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Satire, Tidbits, Travel on November 22, 2010 at 09:02

EAST JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and…Jimmy Carter?  Rumors have been swirling in recent weeks that during his October 21st visit to the neighborhood of Silwan in East Jerusalem, Former President Jimmy Carter took a Palestinian baby out of a crowd and brought it back to the United States, presumably with the intention of adopting the child.  Fmr. Pres. Carter, 86, is well-known for his humanitarian work around the world, though it seems his yearning to do good may have landed him in hot water this time.

A photo obtained by Ninja Satire clearly shows the former President with the baby in his arms, ducking through a crowd of powerless onlookers, while surrounded by members of the United States Secret Service.  All requests for comment have been denied by representatives of the former President, although a close friend of the Georgia native told Ninja Satire that, “President Carter and his wife, Rosalynn, have been considering adoption for some time now.  From what I gather, Jimmy saw a baby in the busy streets of Silwan, no parents or guardian in sight, and made a rash decision.”

Good intentions aside, Fmr. Pres. Carter may have inadvertently caused an international incident.  Although he was visiting the Israeli town of Silwan, the baby he reportedly snatched was Palestinian.  Groups such as Hamas and the Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO) have blasted the former President’s actions as “another example of the oppression and overt racism our people suffer on a daily basis at the hands of the Zionist governments around the world.”

If the reports are true, it is most likely that Fmr. Pres. Carter would be forced to relinquish the child to immigration officials for deportation back to the Middle East where, one can imagine, it would return to a life spent wandering the streets of East Jerusalem with a complete lack of parental supervision.