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’70s Folk/Rock Band Blames Bush Administration for Horrendous International Record Sales

In Business, Culture, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, Music, News, Political Satire, Politics, Pop Culture, Republicans, Satire, The President Bush Indirectly Ruined My Life Office, Travel on November 16, 2010 at 20:14

PERTH, AUSTRALIA — When Gerry Beckley, Dewey Bunnell, and Dan Peek decided to call their band America, they had no idea the sorts of emotions the word would eventually stir up in other parts of the world, never imagining that anti-American sentiments would affect record sales in any way.  However, founding member Gerry Beckley tells Ninja Satire that record sales abroad have hit an all time low, and as far as he is concerned, it’s all President Bush’s fault.

Beckley says that the group first noticed a dip in international record sales shortly after the start of the Iraq War in March of 2003.  “It was pretty immediate…the effect on our record sales that is,” said Beckley, who spoke to Ninja Satire from Australia where the band had just wrapped up their 40th anniversary tour.  “Suddenly people from around the world wanted nothing to do with anything American, including us…apparently.  The real kick in the balls is that the three of us spent a lot of time overseas in England.  Our fathers were in the American Air Force and our mothers were British.”

The 58-year-old songwriter, who was born in Ft. Worth, Texas, says he has no doubts about who is ultimately responsible for the lousy record sales.  “President Bush…” said Beckley, “…it’s all Bush’s fault.  The son of a bitch had to prove to the world that he had a pair…then, it’s all shock and awe, command and destroy, and suddenly America can’t sell more than a handful of Greatest Hits albums anywhere in the world…all ’cause of that clodhopping, cow-tipping, corn-fed country bumpkin…f*!#?n’ hillbilly.”

Reportedly, the band had considered changing its name to Foreigner in 2006 before quickly realizing that the name was already taken.

In recent years, America has been touring overseas more and more in an effort to boost their lackluster record sales abroad.  In the past year alone the band has hit Australia, Mexico, Canada, Panama, Brazil, and the Dominican Republic.  For now, Beckley says the band is taking time off from touring to spend the holidays with their families.


THE NINJA ARCHIVES: Due to Bad Economy, Motel 6 No Longer “Leaving the Light on For You” (10/16/10)

In Business, Economy, Humor, News, Satire, Tidbits, Travel on November 6, 2010 at 22:09

Anybody who has seen or heard an advertisement for Motel 6 knows that they all end with the famous phrase, “we’ll leave the light on for ya.”  However, executives from Accor Hotels, the company that owns the Motel 6 chain, announced Friday that they will no longer be leaving the lights on for their customers due to budget cutbacks and a weak economy. 

According to Accor’s public relations officer Peter Yanko, a drop in business over the past year not only resulted in low profits but higher electric bills.  “Usually when somebody checks into a room in the middle of the night they will turn the lights off and go to bed.  A drop in paying customers means more lights being left on all night.  Our electric bills at almost every location have shot through the roof.”

Motel 6 isn’t the only hotel chain feeling the effects of a bad economy.  Four Seasons Hotels were recently forced to change their slogan from “Fifty hotels, twenty-two countries, one philosophy” to “Thirty hotels, ten countries, and a mission statement.”  Ramada changed their slogan from “A very good place to be” to “Ramada…not too shabby.”

There is no word on exactly when the lights will be turned off but there are already ideas for a new slogan floating around Accor’s offices.  Our staff is partial to, “Motel 6…enjoy our candelabras.”

“Rain Man” Showing Confidence in Qantas after Mid-Air Emergency

In Business, Entertainment, Humor, In The News, Movies, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Travel on November 5, 2010 at 16:20

It’s been 22 years since Raymond “Rain Man” Babbitt and his brother Charlie made headlines after driving from Cincinnati to Los Angeles in their father’s 1949 Buick Roadmaster Convertible.  Charlie, who had taken his autistic brother out of the Walbrook Institute in the hopes of securing a three million dollar inheritance after the death of their father, wanted to make the trip by plane.  Despite his brother’s intentions, Raymond refused to board any airline…except Qantas.  Why?  Because Qantas never crashed.

The impressive streak almost came to an end when Qantas flight 32, an Airbus A380 en route from London to Sydney, suffered massive engine failure, putting the fate of the aircraft and all those on board in serious jeopardy.  Amazingly, the crew was able to land the plane safely in Singapore.

In the wake of the accident the entire A380 fleet was grounded until further notice.  Many in the media have questioned the reliability of Qantas’ service, especially when another Qantas aircraft experienced engine difficulties the following day.  However, as far as Raymond Babbitt is concerned, Qantas is still the only way to fly.  “Qantas still never crashed,” said Babbitt, sitting on his bed next to his dormitory window while sifting through a stack of old baseball cards.

Following the incident, Qantas’ biggest fan has been getting a lot of media attention, but any suspicions that Raymond might be wavering in his support of the airline were quickly dispelled.  When asked if he would still feel safe flying on Qantas, Raymond replied, “Yeah…yeah…I don’t know…are you taking any prescription medication?”  Ninja Satire was able to reach Raymond’s brother, Charlie, by telephone and he indicated that he had planned to take Raymond to Australia in 2008 but was forced to cancel the trip when he realized the his brother would not be able to watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy on the over-night flight.