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Archive for the ‘Barack Obama’ Category

PHOTO: Press Secretary Robert Gibbs Inadvertently Admonishes Indian Official for Not Fixing His Laptop

In Barack Obama, Democrats, Humor, In The News, News, Occupational Irony Department, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Travel on November 18, 2010 at 20:20

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the last couple of weeks the White House has been scrambling to explain away the photos taken of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs berating an Indian official during the President’s visit to the country on November 8th.  After much speculation, Gibbs took to the podium and told the White House Press Corps that he mistook the man to be a member of the technical support team travelling with the President and was upset that a “significant software problem” had yet to be solved.

Of course, the man was not a part of the White House technical support team.  He was a member of the Indian Prime Minister’s security team assigned to ensure the safety of both the Prime Minister and President Obama during their closed-door meeting.  Gibbs reportedly told the man, “look, I’ve been dealing with you people all God damn day…I want the system fixed, and I want it fixed NOW.” 

During his statement to the press, Gibbs apologized for the outburst although his apology was not without excuses.  “As the President’s Press Secretary I’m responsible for handling all matters concerning the media.  Now, I know, that I don’t have to tell all of you how difficult it is to communicate  with the media from overseas when your laptop won’t turn on (laughter).  That being said, I am truly sorry for my outburst and for mistaking that gentleman to be an IT specialist.  I am undoubtedly appreciative for his efforts in maintaining a safe environment during our visit.”

Ninja Satire was given an 800 number at which to reach the Indian official in question only to be disconnected over a dozen times after the voice recognition system kept confusing “Office of the Prime Minister” with “Orifice of the Prime Minister.”

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Glenn Beck Claims President Obama is America’s Pontius Pilate

In Barack Obama, Culture, Democrats, Entertainment, Humor, News, Political Satire, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Satire, Television on October 28, 2010 at 15:50

Fox News talk show host Glenn Beck has blamed everything from the weak economy to the H1N1 virus on President Obama.  On Wednesday night’s show, Beck added one more to the list; The Crucifixion of the American People.  According to Beck, Obama’s acting like a modern-day Pontius Pilate, who has all but sentenced the American people to withstand the ultimate in suffering. 

“Pontius Pilate crucified Jesus…and Barack Hussein Obama is crucifying the American people,” Beck said at the end of his program Wednesday night.  “He’s forcing them to endure a crucifixion of the mind, of the body, and of the soul.  He seeks to tear down the Christian fabric upon which our nation was founded.  He’s put all of you up on a cross so that you might suffer like Jesus did.  But it won’t last a mere six hours…it could last for six generations unless we stand up…”  It was at that point when Beck forced himself to hold back his emotion, as his eyes began to well up with tears. 

Interestingly, all four Gospels paint Pilate as quite reluctant in sending Jesus to his death.  The Gospel of Luke claims that Pilate was duped by the Sanhedrin into believing that Jesus was guilty of sedition against Rome in opposing the payment of taxes to Caesar and declaring himself king.  However, Beck seemed to believe in his metaphor and he kept rolling…

“We are all like Jesus,” Beck said.  “Those of you who choose to stand up to a tyrannical government, those of you who refuse to pay outrageous taxes…are being made to suffer through the thievery of your freedoms and the loss of your liberty.  Jesus died for his cause and we must be prepared to die for our own.  You…we…are the saviours of our nation.”

There has been no official response to Beck’s comments by the Catholic Church or any major Christian organization in the United States as of yet.  However there are reports that daytime talk show host Whoopi Goldberg suffered a minor stroke after watching the show with a friend.  Beck released a statement saying, “I am glad to have Ms. Goldberg as a viewer and I’m praying for her quick recovery, but there is little I can do about Divine intervention.”

Obama Administration Working to Slow Earth’s Rotation

In Barack Obama, Democrats, Humor, News, Political Satire, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Satire, Science/Technology on October 18, 2010 at 17:26

 

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced Monday that the Obama Administration is currently working with the nation’s top scientists to figure out a way to slow the Earth’s rotation.  Gibbs told reporters, “the President has a lot of items on his agenda and not enough time to make sure they get done.  This new effort is due in large part to Republican stone-walling in Congress and their unwillingness to compromise on key issues.”

Republicans in Congress, as well as numerous conservative talk-show hosts, have blasted the President on his new initiative.  “This is just another example of this administration playing God,” said Texas Congressman Ron Paul, “if God wants to slow the Earth’s rotation he will do it in His time.”  Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck agreed, saying, “This man has no religion.  This man has no God.  The people need a leader who looks to God in every decision he or she makes.”

Administration officials countered that increasing the number of hours in the day will not only allow the President more time to finish his agenda, but it will also benefit the public at large.  Department of Commerce Secretary Gary Locke stated, “this is a bold new initiative.  People from all parts of our nation will be able to earn more money, sleep more hours, and enjoy more time to spend with their families.  The science is there…the future is now.”

In his weekly radio address to the nation, President Obama said, “today, our lives are busier than ever before.  We are living…in a new age.   Our roads and highways are too crowded.  Our kids don’t have enough time to juggle school, family, and other activities, while their parents find it hard to bring home a decent paycheck at the end of the week.  Information moves…at the click of a button.  Slowing the Earth’s rotation is not the work of science fiction but of a possible and necessary reality, and I will work tirelessly to see it through.”

The last known attempt of this kind was in 1978 when Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth to save reporter Lois Lane’s life.  There is no word on whether or not Superman is working with President Obama’s team of scientists.