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Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

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Westminster Kennel Club Follows NBA, Cracks Down on Trash Talking

In Animals, Basketball, Culture, Dog Shows, Entertainment, Family, Humor, News, Pets, Satire, Sports, Television, Tidbits on November 7, 2010 at 11:08

NEW YORK, NY — Henry James Fillmore, Vice President of the Westminster Kennel Club, confirmed Sunday that the 134 year old organization has established new rules for this year’s dog show in hopes of suppressing what he described as, “the rampant and disgusting behavior by dog handlers” that has cast a shadow over the competition in recent years.

The announcement comes just days after Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics found himself in hot water for allegedly telling Charlie Villanueva that he looked like a cancer patient.  Villanueva suffers from Alopecia Universalis, an autoimmune disease that results in drastic hair loss.  Garnett has denied Villanueva’s allegations.

“Trash talking, on a certain level, is to be expected in the NBA…it’s part of the culture,” said Fillmore, “but at the world’s most prestigious dog show?  It’s upsetting to hear the kinds of things handlers say to each other when they are taking their laps around the ring.”  At last year’s show, handler Ronald Floyd reportedly told another handler that his dog “looked like alley trash,” and that the dog “should have been euthanized years ago.”

Fillmore is confident that the new rule changes will help reduce the amount of trash talking at this year’s event.  According to the WKC, if a handler is heard taunting an opponent he or she will be expelled from the competition immediately and replaced with a WKC approved handler.  The dogs themselves will not be penalized for the mistakes of their handlers.

“These dogs are the real stars of the show,” said Fillmore.  “I think sometimes the handlers’ egos and/or jealously get the better of them.”  Fillmore was also quick to point out that the dog’s themselves have been penalized for inappropriately barking at other dogs for many years.  “If the dogs can keep their comments to themselves, so can the handlers,” Fillmore said.

For his part, Kevin Garnett told Ninja Satire that he agrees with the decision of the WKC and that he is considering entering his dog Skinny (a Mexican Hairless) into the competition.  “I’ve wanted to put him in dog shows for years,” said Garnett, “but I was always afraid he’d get made fun of.  He’s got very low self esteem…some people can be so cruel.  But, with the new rules in place, it shouldn’t be a problem.”