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Archive for the ‘2010 Midterm Elections’ Category

2010 MIDTERM ELECTION ANALYSIS: Strippers, John Boehner’s Tan, and “Bustin’ Heads!”

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Economy, Election News, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Tidbits on November 3, 2010 at 14:05

Strippers Hit the Polls, Propel Sen. Reid to Victory

Adult entertainers from Las Vegas showed up to the polls in large numbers Tuesday to vote for Sen. Harry Reid, helping the embattled Senator win reelection in what was a closely fought battle with Republican Sharon Angle.  One woman known as “Destiny” told Ninja Satire that, “um…yeah…that Republican lady?  She was like, all against alcohol and stuff…and like, that’s just not cool at all…plus, um…you know…all us girls know Harry pretty good…he’s always taken care of us so we thought, you know, like, we’d return the favor and stuff…”

 

As First Act of New Congress, House Republican Leader John Boehner Vows to Repeal Tax on Tanning Salons

Barring some sort of unforeseen scandal, Republican Rep. John Boehner will be the next Speaker of the House of Representatives.  According to Rep. Boehner, his first act as Speaker will be to repeal the ten percent tax levied on tanning salons as part of Obama’s health care package that was passed last year.  Rep. Boehner said, “this is just another attempt by government to take money out of the hands of hard-working Americans with lighter than normal skin complexion,” adding, “if you want a decent tan you’ve got to go almost everyday; that kind of money adds up at the end of the year…well, I mean…that’s what I’ve heard…”

 

After Election Night Victory, Republican Rand Paul tells Supporters, “I’m Gonna Get in There and Bust Some Heads!”

The Senator-elect’s comments were somewhat regrettable considering the episode that took place outside a scheduled debate just last week when supporters of Paul stomped on a woman’s head.  The woman, Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org, showed up at the debate to protest Paul’s cronyism.  Senator-elect Paul later stated, “obviously I was caught up in the thrill of victory, okay, and what I said had nothing to do with what happened to that societal parasite the other night.  It was directed towards the rat bastards in Washington and nobody else.  Now, get lost…all of you…I’m in the Senate now, and I don’t need to stand here and answer these stupid questions.”     

 

 

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ELECTION DAY COVERAGE: NBC Projects Tom Brady Wins Massachusetts Governor’s Race

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Election News, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Republicans, Satire, Sports on November 2, 2010 at 20:38

Early results out of the State of Massachusetts have New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady leading the Governor’s race with 68% of the vote and 10% of precincts reporting.  NBC officially announced that it projects Brady will be the winner after all the votes are counted.

“This is a surprise for the ages,” said MSNBC anchor Chris Mathews, adding, “not one of Mr. Brady’s Super Bowl wins could possibly compare to tonight’s victory.”  Fed up with the status quo, it seems that Massachusetts voters decided to write-in a candidate for Governor as opposed to voting for one of the candidates already on the ballot.  It just so happens that a vast majority of them wrote in Brady’s name.

Exit polls out of Massachusetts suggest that Brady’s popularity goes beyond the football field.  One voter exiting the polls stated, “I voted for Tom Brady.  He’s the only one in this state who has accomplished anything in the past ten years.  It’s time we had a higher caliber of leadership in the State House.”  Another voter remarked, “I voted for Brady…you know…the quarterback.  I figure if he’s Governor he’ll have to cut off that girlish hairdo he’s got goin’ on there,”  while female voters seemed to agree that, “he’s not bad to look at…definitely a hunk and a total DILF…like a guy version of Sarah Palin.” 

Ninja Satire was unable to reach Tom Brady for comment on his unexpected Election Day victory.  However, residents of Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire are reportedly outraged by tonight’s turn of events, with one disgruntled Pats fan asking, “why, God…why?”

ELECTION DAY COVERAGE: Exit Polling Indicates Charlie Crist Doing Poorly Amongst Florida Jews

In 2010 Midterm Elections, Democrats, Election News, Humor, In The News, News, Political Satire, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Satire on November 2, 2010 at 18:31

Exit polling out of the State of Florida shows that Independent candidate for Senate Charlie Crist is not faring well amongst Jewish voters.  Democratic Party leaders in the state are blaming the tendency of Jewish voters in Florida to vote Democrat, however, some experts believe that older Jews with poor eyesight may have misread the former Governor’s last name on the ballot.

Gregory Goldman, the head of one of Florida’s largest political consulting firms, contends that Jewish seniors, either consciously or subconsciously, worked their way down the ballot sheet with their failing eyes, saw the name “Christ”, and moved on to the next candidate.  “Even if you consider his former ties to the Republicans, there is no reason that his (Crist’s) numbers amongst Jewish voters should be this bad,” said Goldman.  “Looks like Florida’s geriatrics may have blown another election.”

Of course, nobody can forget what happened during the 2000 Presidential Election when thousands upon thousands of elderly Floridians, intending to vote for Vice President Al Gore, mistakenly voted for Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan.  Many experts blamed the poor eyesight of Florida’s seniors in combination with a confusing ballot arrangement known as the “butterfly” ballot.  The beneficiary of course was then Governor of Texas George W. Bush, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Charlie Crist was unavailable for comment regarding the exit poll figures.  However, Ninja Satire has learned that in an effort to win over any Jewish voters who have yet to hit the polls, Crist has sent out a robo-call saying, “scholem-aleykhem!  Ick heys Charlie Crist, un ikh farlangen ayer untershtitsn arayn hayntik valn.  Ikh hofn oyf ayer shtim.  A dank, lang lebn zolt ir, un lang lebn zolt ir Amerike!”