Master Kushikimi-San's

Native American Tribe Offended by Redskins’ Crappy Performance on Monday Night Football

In Culture, Entertainment, Football, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 16, 2010 at 14:42

MILLSBORO, DE — The Nanticoke Indian Tribe issued a statement Tuesday morning condemning the “Anishinabe-like” performance put forth by the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football this week.  The tribe says that the team’s 59-28 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles is an “embarrassment to all native people” and that a local tribe has not suffered a defeat of this magnitude since Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676.

“We are calling for the resignation of Coach Shanahan,” said one tribal elder.  “He is not fit to lead his tribe on the field of battle…he is an embarrassment to his people.”  According to the Nanticoke, Shanahan is a peace-time leader in an era when all out war is the only option.  “This team needs a war-time Chief…” said one Nanticoke youth, “…like Parcells or Cowher.  Coach Shanahan’s non-violent approach to the game will lead to total annihilation…I am certain of it.”

Anthony Pintero, the head of public relations for the Washington Redskins, told Ninja Satire, “usually when a tribe issues a statement regarding the team it’s in reference to the term, redskins…we’re pretty used to that, but now, they’re asserting that the team’s performance is in some way offensive?  Are they even aware that this is a professional football team?  I mean…we’re not a Native tribe…we play football…in a stadium…you know?”

When asked to respond to Pintero’s comments one tribal member said, “are we are tired of professional sports teams using offensive and derogatory terminology to refer to our people?  Yes, of course we are…but what’s worse is that these teams haven’t won sh*t since the Braves in ’95…maybe if they brought home a trophy once in a while we could learn to live with offensive names and mascots.”  One of our reporters pointed out to him that the Chicago Blackhawks are, in fact, the defending Stanley Cup Champions, to which he replied, “the Stanley Cup?  What is that, a bowling trophy?  Oh…wait, that’s right…they give that out in Sailing…or something…right?  Whatever.”

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