Master Kushikimi-San's

With Team Facing Elimination, Rangers Owner Nolan Ryan Names Himself Game Five Starter

In Baseball, Culture, Entertainment, Humor, In The News, News, Satire, Sports, Television on November 1, 2010 at 11:58

Rangers owner Nolan Ryan announced early this morning that he will be the starting pitcher for the tonight’s game against the San Francisco Giants.  Rangers pitching has allowed 26 runs over the first four games of the World Series and find themselves one game from elimination with the Giants leading the series 3-1.  “Obviously they can’t get the job done,” said Ryan, “as usual, it looks like I have to do everything myself.”

The 63 year old hall of fame pitcher will be the oldest person to ever pitch a game in Major League Baseball.  Previous to Ryan, Satchel Paige was the oldest player in baseball history, pitching his last game at age 59 in 1965.  While Ryan seems confident in his abilities, many Ranger fans are nervous considering the ceremonial first pitch Ryan tossed before the start of game three.  “He couldn’t even reach the plate…it looked pretty awful,” said Rangers season ticket holder Stan Montgomery, “I hope he remembered to take his Boniva.”

Giants manager Bruce Bochy wondered about the legality of such a move.  “Each team has playoff rosters that are set.  You can’t just throw yourself into the starting rotation…there has to be extenuating circumstances.”  However, before Bochy could file a formal complaint, Giants pitching coach Dave Righetti reminded Bochy that going up against a 63 year old might not be the worst thing in the world.  “If you think about it…does it really give us an unfair advantage?  Seems like Ron (Ron Washington, Rangers manager) should be the one petitioning the commissioner.”

When asked for comment, a representative from the commissioner’s office told Ninja Satire that, “as far as the commissioner’s concerned, he’s the owner of the team and he can do what he wants.  If he wants to pitch, he can pitch.  If he wants to let a chinchilla coach third base…there’s not much we can do.  The commissioner’s hands are tied on this issue.”  Most experts agree that Ryan’s start will be a huge ratings boost for the World Series, which will be competing for viewers against Monday Night Football.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that the only reason Bud Selig is allowing this ridiculous move to take place are the two R’s…ratings and revenue,” said ESPN baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian, “they might get Joe America to watch this game but they can count me out…I’m going to throw on my Snuggie, brew up some hot cocoa, and pop in a tape of the 1996 World Series…Yankees vs. Braves…Jim Leytriz…aaah…its soooooo good…mmmm…”

It looks like there is little standing in Ryan’s way and for now, he is listed as the probable starter for tonight’s game.  As far as third base coach Dave Anderson’s job is concerned, a chinchilla was spotted roaming around the Rangers clubhouse early this morning…although there is no word yet on whether or not the furry creature will be suiting up for tonight’s game.


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