Master Kushikimi-San's

Abe Vigoda is Oldest Living Creature on Earth

In Entertainment, Health, Humor, Movies, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Television, Tidbits on October 26, 2010 at 13:54

Reports out of the island of St. Helena are that Jonathan, a Seychelles Giant Tortoise, has died at the age of 176 years old.  This means that American actor Abe Vigoda is now the oldest living creature on Earth at 168 years old.  Vigoda is probably best known for his role as Sal Tessio in The Godfather (1972) when he was a mere 130 years old. 

It had long been known that should the tortoise Jonathan finally meet his demise that Vigoda would take reign as Earth’s oldest living creature.  Peter Sparks, a representative from the Guinness Book of World Records stated in a press release early Tuesday morning, “we have received word that Jonathan the tortoise, the world’s oldest living creature, has died.  Thus, we would like to declare that Abraham Charles Vigoda of the United States is now the current record holder at the age of 168 years, 9 months, and 23 days.”

When asked about his new milestone, Vigoda’s excitement seemed to be overwhelming. “Eh?  What’d he say?  Did someone say something?  Who’s talking…where are my shoes…I can’t find my shoes.  My great-great-great-great grandson Edmond gave them to me they’re called Croc-a-dillies…or something…you can’t trust crocodiles…they’re shifty fellas…you know I should’ve been in the Goodfellas but Scorsese’s a midget prick.  Hey…HEY…yeah you, come close…can you call the nurse this god damn catheter is backed up again…that’s right the little red button there.  You know, I push it and push it…they never come…there all a bunch of morons in this place you can’t even get a decent plate of pasta the sauce tastes like ketchup.”

Vigoda was born in 1842.  For a little perspective…John Tyler was President of the United States, the American Civil War was still 19 years away, and Verdi’s opera Nabucco premiered in Milan, Italy.  As of now, Vigoda seems to be in good health, however the people at Guinness told Ninja Satire that should Vigoda pass on, a Bowhead Whale named Charlie in the Bering Sea would take the title.  Charlie is currently 163 years old.


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