Master Kushikimi-San's

REPORT: Giant Panda Has Attitude Problem

In Animals, Culture, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Nature, News, Pop Culture, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits on November 29, 2010 at 15:35

SAN DIEGO, CA — Scientists and animal behavior experts at the San Diego Zoo were baffled yesterday when a giant panda named “Chopsticks” began taunting tourists by repeatedly throwing dirt and bamboo shoots over the exhibit walls, and then, most notably, sticking his tongue out in what zoo employees are calling, “an undeniable showing of disrespect.”

“Until now, primates were the only mammals known to exhibit this kind of behavior,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Chip McLeary, adding, “Chopsticks’ actions fly in the face of previously undisputed ideas of what animals do, and why they do it…the last 24 hours have been really exciting.”  Bob Mosley, a bookstore owner from New Mexico, was visiting the zoo with this family and witnessed the event first hand.  “He hit me with a pile of dirt as I was trying to take a picture, and then…he stuck his tongue out at me.  Besides the hurt feelings and humiliation of it all…I’m going to need a new camera.”

Dr. McLeary tells Ninja Satire that the Panda has most likely developed some form of self-awareness due to a life spent on display for thousands of park visitors each day.  “To be completely honest, Chopsticks seems to have developed a bit of an ego.  His entire life has been spent in the spotlight.  This is a completely natural response to constant, and sometimes unwanted, attention.”

Other experts in animal behavior seem to agree with Dr. McLeary’s theory.  One employee from the Bronx Zoo told us that Chopsticks’ behavior isn’t all that different from that of Hollywood celebrities who lash out at the Paparazzi.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a panda bear…sooner or later you’re gonna go Sean Penn on somebody, and when that happens…it’s not going to be pretty.” 

Theories aside, officials from the San Diego Zoo tell Ninja Satire that there is only one issue they are overly concerned with in regards to Chopsticks’ behavior; the mess they will have on their hands if he figures out how to throw his own feces.

NEW POLL: Homeless Want Cash, Not Prayers

In Culture, Economy, Humor, Life, News, Religion, Satire, Tidbits on November 28, 2010 at 11:43

BOSTON, MA — In a new poll conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 85% of homeless people in the greater Boston area seem to prefer loose change over spontaneous prayer circles. One respondent stated, “I know they mean well…but they ain’t turnin’ no water into wine up in here…you catch my drift?  I mean, shiiiiiiit.”

According to an article in the most recent edition of Anthropological Studies and the Homeless Man, a monthly periodical, people seem to be offering the homeless more prayer and less money.  One man was quoted in the article as saying, “pocket change isn’t going to get these bums off the street…the power of Christ is their only salvation from eternal damnation.” 

Ninja Satire took to the streets of Boston to get the homeless perspective on the matter.  In response to the article, one man, who goes by the name “Bam Bam Boogie,” told us, “eternal damnation?  Well ain’t that some shit…”  Another man said, “it was f**kin’ cold out last night…if these suckas wanna help give me that North Face fleece you’re wearin’ and I promise…I’ll say a prayer for you.”  Spontaneous prayer has become so popular of late, one Ninja Satire staff member spotted a homeless woman with a sign around her neck that read, “Sure, I’ll pray with you…so…how about some sacrament?” 

However, of all the people we spoke to, it was a man by the name of “Chill” that said it best; “bottom line, these peoples a nuisance, straight up.  It’s so bad man I just ignore’m.  I just keep sittin’ and pretend they don’t exist.  I guess I’m hopin’ the shit just goes away.  These streets…they used to be a great place to live, but now?  It’s an epidemic man…that’s what it is…a f**kin’ epidemic, they oughta quarantine those mothaf**ckas like in that movie with the monkey where all those people died and shit.  Word.”

Boat Captain Forced to Change Vessel’s Name After Multiple Disappearances

In Humor, Military, News, Satire, Science/Technology, Tidbits, Travel on November 26, 2010 at 13:03

NORFOLK, VA — The United States Coast Guard advised Captain Charles Wilson to change the name of his fishing boat after several rescue missions put Coast Guard personnel in unnecessary danger this week.  According to the Coast Guard, Wilson’s vessel, the Abracadabra, disappeared from radar a total of 32 times since its maiden voyage ten days ago. 

“Every time the vessel would make a radio transmission it would seemingly vanish from our radar, only to reappear minutes later,” said Coast Guard Commander Richard Lexington.  “It wasn’t until our after our fifth rescue mission that we were able to analyze the mission data and conclude that it was the ship’s name that was causing the disappearances.”

Commander Lexington told Ninja Satire that the Coast Guard, with full cooperation from Captain Wilson and his crew, ran a series of tests that eventually led to an official recommendation that Captain Wilson change the name of the vessel.  “The tests were extremely helpful,” said Captain Wilson, “it seems I underestimated the power of such a magical word.  I’ve decided to shorten the name to Abra for the time being, until I can make an official name change.”  

Coast Guard rescue crews were dispatched on five separate occasions when the Abracadabra failed to reappear on radar after several minutes.  Lieutenant James Hancock explained to Ninja Satire that his crew would fly over the vessel’s last known coordinates many times and then, suddenly, it would seem to “appear out of nowhere” right in front of their eyes.  “It was pretty spooky sh*t,” said Lieutenant Hancock, adding, “I’m glad we got to the bottom of that one.”

As to why Captain Wilson named his boat Abracadabra in the first place?  According to members of his crew, Captain Wilson is an amateur magician and named the vessel in honor of his favorite hobby.  “Actually, he’s a pretty horrible magician,” said one crew member, “it figures he’d accidentally make his ship disappear.”